Bun(less) in the Oven

Wordless Wednesday...

2012-01-18T12:37:00.000-06:00

I got my internet & computer back to working.... FINALLY! I'm so excited to catch up and read tonight what everyone has been up to. I'm pretty sure i have missed ALOT!! Hope everyone is doing well. As for me.. the picture just says it all.. Time is flying. =)

Missing you all... Much love!!

(Part 2 of 2) Gooooodbye 2011... let's welcome 2012, shall we??

2011-12-29T14:24:00.000-06:00

2011 taught me a lot of things. It opened my eyes to possibilities and made me appreciate life more. I became more aware of the person I want to be. Although infertility played a huge factor in it, I always TRIED (key word here is TRIED) to stay positive. I kept a lot of my infertility issues bottled up inside throughout the years and it wasn’t until a dear friend suggested I started my own blog, that’s when my life changed into brighter ones. When I started my blog in the middle of the year, I didn’t know what to expect. I actually thought I WAS GOING TO BE THE ONLY BLOG out there facing this issue. But then I came across The Stirrup Queens website and put in my info. And next thing I knew.. I had followers!!! 1 became 10, 10 became 25... and so on. And now I’m over 100 followers and it is quite amazing. I’m so happy to share my story and try to provide words of encouragement to many who are facing this rollercoaster ride of infertility. Post after post, I had different emotions each time. Even when I didn’t post, I’d sit, think and just break down. But I always came back to blogger and found it therapeutic. So that I am glad for. I am glad I have met other women who made me feel that I was not alone in this.

2011 had many up’s and downs. Just like any other year. I don’t think anyone lives a perfect life… except Oprah. Hehe. But of course.. the BIGGEST event of them all happened in Sept when I took a simple test and it showed TWO LINES. I remember this day so clearly and I get teary just thinking about it. I literally close my eyes and can describe everything that happened that day and the days after that. What a blessing! What a miracle! What a relief! What a dream come true!!

I wish each and every one of you a HAPPY NEW YEAR.

To those who have gotten their bundles of love already, make God continue to bless that little one and watch over him/her always!

To those who are pregnant waiting patiently for the arrival of your miracle/miracles, I wish you a continued healthy pregnancy and that everything goes well with your labor.

And especially to those who are PATIENTLY waiting for their BFP… believe believe believe!! Don’t lose faith. It WILL come to you. I pray every chance I get for you and I hope 2012 brings you happiness, peace and MUCH NEEDED joy from a BFP. Miracles take their time, but when they do come… WOW... it’s so magical!!! So hang in there!!! Surround yourself with positivity and endless love.

Thank you 2011 for being good to me and for creating such a memorable year for me! I don’t want to let you go but I just HAVE TO WELCOME 2012 with open arms! I know in my heart.. that 2012 will be just as magical as you were!

Big hugs to everyone!!!

(Part 1 of 2) Christmas Gift Surprise

2011-12-29T14:23:00.000-06:00

Hope everyone had an amazing Christmas holiday surrounded by your loved ones! I wanted to go back to the 23^rd and tell yall briefly about my US appt! Everything went well. Yay!! We got to see peanut and it was already so cute and formed. Ahhh.. If only I could reach into the screen and hug it!! It wiggled around and was giving the nurse a hard time because she was trying to get some measurement of the heart. My child was being bad..already! =) She said baby weighed about 11 oz so that’s good. The heart chambers and brain looked good, the HB was pumping excellent. What a relief. Ultimately… that’s all you want to hear.. is that your baby is doing well! Then she had us turn our heads on the moment of truth. The moment when she was about to “go down” and see if peanut was a princess or prince. So we did and she wrote in on a card my friend made for me and we sealed it up in an envelope with a Christmas bow on it. So the 23^rd.. the 24^th… yea… seemed pretty long to me. lol. But finally.. Christmas came and we opened it up when we got together with my family and yup… big letters.. BOY !! We hugged, cried, laughed and just smiled the whole time. I… CAN’T…BELIEVE… THIS.. IS.. REALLY .. HAPPENING!!!!

I’M GOING TO HAVE A SON!!! < ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! >

I feel bad though... because I actually had a TIIIIINY moment of sadness (if that’s what you want to call it) because I would’ve liked to have a little girl. Only because I had been shopping for Christmas and for my baby niece and there was just soooo many cute dresses!! And I pictured my girl dressed up in a holiday dress next year. But then I snapped out of it and was like “DIANA.. SERIOUSLY?!?! ARE U SERIOUSLY SAD THAT IT’S A BOY?? YOU’VE WANTED THIS FOR A LONG TIME!! DON’T BE PICKY DAMMIT!!” =) Then I started thinking of little boys and even as I type, my heart melts and I have a huuuuuuge smile on my face. I can’t wait for my baby boy. I can’t wait for the adventures he will have with Ernest. He’s going to be sooooo loved. It’s going to be ridiculous of how much love he’s going to receive from us. =)

Names? Yes we have a name… already!! =) Butttt I won’t tell yall til he’s born. Hehehe.. JUST KIDDING. I’m always skeptical.. well I can’t really say ALWAYS because this is the first time I have a child to name. LOL. But you know how it is with names.. you say a name and wait for the reaction of the person you’re telling and sometimes it’s a good reaction.. and sometimes it’s like “blank face” LOL.. even with myself. I’m super careful with not making fun or bringing someone down because of a name they choose. Except for Mariah Carey.. now her.. I would’ve straight up told her.. what the ****?!?! Moroccan and Monroe… nicknamed.. ROC & ROE… really?!?! Really Mariah!?!?

::sigh:: to each his own, right??

Anywho… so our baby boy’s name will be…. Dun dun dun…

MATEO ERNESTO

Ahhhhhhh… doesn’t Mateo just sound powerful?? =) We BOTH love the name MATTHEW. And well being from a latin family and having lots of family around, we decided to cherish the name of MATTHEW in Spanish form and embrace our heritage. You know how some can be named MIGUEL and they either call him that or Michael? Well it’s the same for this. Mateo or Matthew. Whatever they wanna say. I LOVE BOTH ACTUALLY. =)

Ohhhhh but the kicker is.. ready for this?? MATTHEW means… “GIFT OF GOD”

::insert tears here:: HOW… PERFECT… IS.. THAT .. NAME?!?! I mean.. seriously… this baby to us IS a gift of God.

Ernesto is my husband’s middle name. His name is Jose Ernesto but we call him Ernest. So we went ahead and put it as our son’s middle name as well. Although…. I will NOT be calling him LIL ERNEST!!!!!! No no no no no!! lol.

::looks down at tummy:: I can’t wait to hold you Mateo ♥

So there you have it ladies.. my latest and greatest update so far. I hit 20 weeks yesterday so I’m half way there. =) Hopefully my next 20 treat me just as great as my first.

19 weeks

XOXO to all !!

Drumroll pleeeeeeaase.....

2011-12-25T16:54:00.001-06:00

We are sooooooo happy!!!!!! Details later but I just had to announce! :D

O Holy Night...

2011-12-22T21:59:00.001-06:00

The stars are brightly shiiiiiiiiiiining; It is the night of our dear Savior's birth.

wow... I sing amazing! =)

Ahhh the holidays and the Christmas carols.
Gotta love them. I don't know I guess it's the whole coziness of walking into your warm home, turn on your chrsitmas tree and light that apple cider candle you love so much. I love this time of year!! This year came too fast!! I can NOT believe it is almost over. Why does time have to go by so darn fast?!?! I'm sitting here in front of my computer and I am surrounded of Walmart bags and other department stores of gifts. I haven't wrapped anything!! This holiday I did everything so quick. I put up my Christmas tree so fast. My mind has been in so many places that I forgot to put on the star at the top of the tree. (You gotta have a tree topper!) and I forgot to put a skirt!! Annnnnnnd it's missing ribbon that I was suposed to wrap around and around my tree. I bought a roll of beautiful ribbon.. only I can't find it anywhere!! My house isn't big for me to lose things.. but I do! I'm sure I'll find it in the summer time when I find my flip flops that I've been missing since summer 2009. I haven't even put up my nativity scene. booo! No sense of taking it out now. I'll just have to wait til next year. ::sigh::

What's wrong with me? Honestly.. I think I'm just a slacker this holiday. As much as I love the holidays, I couldn't get in the spirit fast enough to decorate the way I envisioned. I don't want to blame it on the pregnancy but maybe it does have to do with that just a little. I am completely undeniably happy of this tiny miracle that is happening in our lives but it makes me wonder... HEY... WHERE'S YOUR CHRISTMAS SPIRIT?!?! My lack of enthusiasm also affected my shopping for gifts. Eeeeeek! It's 3 days before Christmas and I still need 3 gifts! Lately I have forgotten so many things that I have no idea what the heck I've boughten so far!! lol..

Anywho, I could go on and on about my forgetfulness within the past few weeks but I just wanna say that NEXT YEAR.. IT'S ON!! I am hosting Christmas at my house next year so good golly Miss Molly, I WILL have a bada*** decorated home! hehe. And Ernest and I have promised ourselves to start shopping early next year. We truly learned our lesson this year and we hated it! the crowds, the long lines.. forget it! No way!! Plus next year will be EXTRA SPECIAL since we will have 3 stockings to put up!!! =)

So what ELSE has been going on? Well... besides the holiday chaos, parties, eating, shopping and working hard for that money... Not much!! I'm going to make short (short? is that possible from me?? ) bullets to go over certain things that i wanted to write about.

Thank you for the comments I received on the post I wrote about my sister. I listened and I am going to talk to her about it. Obviously I decided to wait til after the holidays but I will not wait too long. It's something that I know we both need and I want to just comfort her and be there like sisters are supposed to be there for eachother. I'm sure that post will be a 3 parter! hehe.
While I was away from blogger, I received some lovely blog awards and have gotten comments from new followers!! I am beyond excited and grateful. Thank you!!! After I write my post, I am going to try my best to reply to those new friends I have and catch up on my beloved friends that I continue to admire.
Speaking of blog friends, I received a couple of gifts from people I have met through blogger. It truly makes my heart tear up and my face light up with joy. Not because of the gifts, because they don't need to do that. But because of the thoughtfulness and the thank you I have gotten about how I have helped them in ways. I've gotten pregnancy books and even a cute lil baby gift for my lil one!! =) One special person, you may actually be following her on here, Maria, left me a voice message earlier this week. A simple voice message!! HOW AMAAAAAZING IS THAT!! Maria comments on my posts and we send eachother simple "how are you doing" texts but never have actually spoken to her over the phone! wierd huh?!! something else yall may not know about me.. I'm not much of a phone person!! I need to get better at that actually. But yes.. hearing her message made me cry and cry happy tears. I loved it. She thanked me for being an inspiration to her. Whaaaaaat??! Never would I imagine that I would ever be an inspiration to someone who I have never met. When in fact she and all of you are inspirations to me as well. It's really amazing the people we encounter in our lives. I truly belive that God puts people in our lives for a reason.It's like angels undercover. =') So thank you all... just being sweet to me and offering advice is a gift on its own!!!
ok now... my baaaaaaaaaaaaaby update!!! I CAN NOT BELIEVE THAT NEXT TUESDAY IS 20 WEEKS! halfway there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and I feel amaaaaazing. Well besides the sentimental crying ,the sleepiness and the burping (yes I am still doing that!)... I'd say I have had a lucky pregnancy, ::knock on wood: I love it. I love my baby more and more each day!! When I think about my peanut, a smile automatically comes across my face. I just can't explain it. The thought of a lil tiny heartbeat beating inside my tummy is fascinating! And guess what.. tomorrow is my gender reveal appt!!! I wanna see how much peanut has grown since last visit. Which i believe was back at 15 weeks. So I know how anxious we all are on knowing what Baby M is going to be. Buuuuuuuuuuuuut... guess what? You all... INCLUDING US.. will have to wait til Christmas!!! We're having the nurse write out "boy or girl" on this card my amazing girlfriend made for me! She is so talented when it comes to crafts and photoshopping!! So she made us this keepsake gift and will be closed in a Christmas envelope and will be opened on Christmas day!! I can't think of a better gift then that!!!!! Bu believe me. I will NOT be away from blogger too long to reveal. I promise to post AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!! Ahhhhh boy or girl.. whatever God has chosen for us... we just want a healthy lil one and that the remaining 20 weeks go as lovely as the first 20 weeks. hehe. =)
With this said... After I find out the sex of the baby... i WILL change my blog name. Although I love 'Bunless In The Oven' I know I should change it already. I will have to check if BUN IN THE OVEN is taken??? That would be perfect. We'll see.

Sorry this post was so looooooooong! This is what happens when blogger is bad and doesn't allow you to post before! It's ok.. all is fixed now. I can't stay mad at you blogger!!

HAPPPPPPPPY HAPPPPPPPY HAPPPIEST HOLIDAYS MY FRIENDS! I wish you all nothing but merry times in the new year and I hope this holiday season you are able to spend it with the ones you love. Thank you for being part of my life and for allowing me to be a part of yours. Sending each one of you a big holiday hug..

::squeeeeeeeeeze!::

My favorite ornament this year..

Taken 2 wks ago.. What do you think... Boy or Girl? Hmmmm..

What I'm taking to my appt tomorrow! NO PEEKING til Christmas. =)

Last but not least.. MY HOLIDAYS FAVS!!

Favorite Holiday movie

Favorite Holiday song .. she sings it a liiiiiiiiiiiittle better than me. =)

XOXO!

Grrrrr blogger grrrrrr!

2011-12-14T19:31:00.001-06:00

Blogger has seriously given me problems these past few days! I'm able to log on and see my blog but when I go to visit blogs, I get a window right smack in the middle like the one in the picture!!

Ugh! I hope it's not a virus. I am NOT computer smart so I'm hoping it'll go away on its own. Ha!

Please forgive me... I will be back as soon as I can!!! And lately I just want to throw my phone against a wall too! Yiiiiikes!!

I'm dying to read what's going on w everyone!!! :(

Ohhhhh and can I just say... Time seriously needs to slow down! I can't believe Christmas is around the corner!!! will write about this and my other crazy adventures...

As...soon...as... I ...can!!!

Much love... Hang w me.... Don't leave me just yet!!!!!!! :)

What are the odds it hit us both?!?! Thanks infertility.. a big thank you.. NOT!

2011-12-01T15:34:00.001-06:00

Hello friends! Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend!! I had 5 Thanksgiving FULL BLOWN feasts this year. One on each day. It was insaaaaane yet oh so delicious. I do NOT want to step on any scale anytime soon. lol.

Today I would like to talk about my sister. I’ve been thinking about her so much lately that I have been somewhat quiet in the blog world. Forgive me. I have just been feeling “blue”. Let me grab some Kleenex because I KNOW I will need it throughout this post. Anywho.. I have 2 amazing sisters. The oldest one is 37. She has no kids. We will call her B. The middle sister is 34. She’s got the 3 kids. ( 6 yr old, 4 yr old and an 8month old) We will call her C. Then it’s me. I am the youngest. Just 3 girls in the family. ( my poor dad! lol) We all live within 20 min of each other so it’s perfect. I see them often and it’s great. Well… you may ask yourself.. how come B doesn’t have any kids?

one word… INFERTILITY.

Yup.. infertility has affected her and my BIL for quite some time. They’ve been married for like 15 years. Eeeeeek. Seems like just yesterday. It’s funny how when you get married.. the obvious FAST question EVERYONE and their mamma ask is “soooo when are yall having kids?” I swear.. if I could slap each person that asked ME that.. I would! I’d probably have no hand right now because of all the slapping I would do! WHAT IS IT TO YOU?!?! LET US WORRY ABOUT WHEN WE ARE HAVING KIDS!!! SHEEEESH!

:: breathe Diana breathe::

So time went on and we (as a family) noticed that ummm.. something must be up because she wasn’t getting pregnant. We never asked her and she never said anything. But I mean, we knew. Something had to be wrong. We just gave them time. My other sister, C got married and then had her first child. Then her second. Then her third. (talk about a “light slap” in the face after hearing her pregnancies) Do NOT get me wrong. I love those kids more than anything right now and would do ANYTHING for them. I have no idea what I would do without their silliness in my life. But yes… it caused pain seeing my sister pregnant. It wasn’t a sharp pain but a sadness pain. For me.. I can only imagine how B felt too.

How is it that in ONE family.. TWO SIBLINGS go through infertility?? What are the odds?? But yup.. that was our case. The only thing of it was that I couldn’t talk to B about it. I mean I could, but I just didn’t know how to approach her about it. B has always been the strong, fierce, bold person. I have not seen her cry about infertility. To this day, I honestly don’t know what exactly it is they were facing with infertility. I don’t know what the problem was. I do have a hunch that it is my BIL who can’t have kids. Wait no.. I know it is a male infertility issue because my mom did ask her flat out one day if it was her or him. And she said with a firm voice “him.”

Just recently, she would make comments like when my mom would ask her if they were going to proceed with any other treatment. She would shrug her shoulders and say “no. We’re happy right now and we accept it.” And honestly… I really do think THEY DO ACCEPT IT. They both are such a great aunt and uncle. She SPOILS my nieces and nephew to the MAX! She is the god mother of the oldest child. And each time my sister announced her pregnancy, she was always there to provide support and love. And when I announced my pregnancy, She cried of joy and knew this was a dream come true for us. She hugged me tight and every chance asks me how I am doing and if I am taking my vitamins. (Ha… yup.. always looking out for me!)

How could she do that?!?! I know I couldn’t be strong time after time after time after time! Maybe she cries on her own. Maybe she doesn’t. It’s hard to say but why is it that I feel like crap. It hurts me. It hurts me because I HAVE BEEN THERE. I know it must hurt when you see a pregnant woman. It must hurt when people talk about their kids and you don’t have that privilege .

I know in my heart they have accepted this. I don’t know if they have looked into IVF / IUI or donor sperm. Or adoption. Fostering. Surrogate. I am completely clueless. Maybe she even went thru IVF and it failed!?!? Like I said , she is a real hard core person so I know she and my BIL went thru every option and decided that it is best to ACCEPT this. I don’t think I could do that. I can’t judge her. It’s her and my BIL’S life. He loves her unconditionally and I have no doubt on that. They are perfect for each other. And understand each other like no other. If you see them, you would NEVER wonder if they are sad inside. They just adore their nieces and nephews like crazy! It’s magical. Maybe one day soon I will have the courage to ask her. That’s the difference between her and I. I am open with people. People knew we were dealing with male infertility issues. They knew we were seeking treatment. What they don’t know is that we chose donor sperm at the end. Just wanted to keep that piece to ourselves. With her case, no one knew what was going on. No one knew how to approach her or what to say to her. With me, everyone knew and would ask me about further treatments. And I wouldn’t mind. I would just give a real basic answer and keep going. There is NO WAY in hell she would write a blog. Lol. Whereas me.. YAYYYYYY.. I’M HERE! Hehe. And it has helped a lot ! I just wish I would’ve become a blogee (is that the right term? blogger? ) earlier in my infertility life. Oh well. I have now, and it’s great.

Anyway.. back to my story… so yup. B seems to be content with her life and has accepted it. I want to tell her so badly.. “come on…. You’re only 37!! You can still have a child.” But I know her. She’ll just shrug and say something along the lines like “I don’t want to have them at an older age and me be old when they’re in school.” She would totally say that. L it’s so hard. You want to motivate her and encourage her to not give up, but when she doesn’t budge, all you can do is ACCEPT IT YOURSELF THAT SHE ACCEPTS IT. does that make sense?

Ernest even joked around and said if we had multiples, we could give them one. hehe. I love that idea but I know she wouldn’t go for it. Again, I will not talk down about her or judge her decisions. But I still wonder “why not” I still wonder what could’ve happened. I still wonder how incredible her kids would be. Because she and my BIL are such smart people. I can only imagine how much their kids would be little geniuses.

I don’t know how to put on a strong face around her sometimes. I love my pregnancy and I know I should embrace it (which 95% of the time I do!!!!) ugh.. I feel so bad even talking about it here. But imagine the ache my heart feels when I face MY SISTER?? She already told me that she, C and my mom are planning on throwing me a biiiig baby shower. And if I know them like I do, I know they mean big! She and my BIL are sooooo happy for my husband and me. She even suggested a brilliant idea of how to share the sex of the baby! I’ll have to tell yall next post! Lol.

I want to hug her right now and just tell her how much I love her! I think one day soon I will. I mean yes I do tell her I love her and I do hug her.. But I mean I want to sit down and just tell her. “TALK TO ME” And go from there. Maybe have like 10 boxes of kleenex next to us. Maybe that’s what we need. A cleansing session. =)

B, yours truly and C... my best friends at my wedding. =) I LOVE this picture!

Is there any advice yall can give me? I know I should talk to her about it but maybe I want to wait til after the holidays. What would you do in my case??

Sorry for the gloomy post. I promise next one will be a little more cheerful. Just one of those days. You can blame it on the hormones, that’s for sure!

Thinking of u all, as always. Tonight I will sit my booty down in front of my computer and catch up!

Much love to you all,

Happy Thanksgiving friends!!

2011-11-23T10:07:00.000-06:00

HAHAHA.. Not a bad idea, huh?? hehe.. (YEAH RIGHT! what's life without "stress"?!?)

I wanted to take a quick moment to wish you all a HAPPY THANKSGIVING! May you all have a wonderful holiday with your loved ones. Thank you all for the wonderful treatment I’ve been receiving from this blog since I started. I remember the first post I wrote, I felt nervous and didn’t know what to expect. But here I am, months later and truly APPRECIATE all the comments and stories I have come across. You ladies are phenomenal. I can’t say that enough! I continue to be here for you and praying for you all constantly.

There is so much to be thankful for this year, whether it’s the good or the bad. The good for me obviously was this miracle inside of me. It took a while to get to me, but I can honestly say, having this experience finally coming true is one of the BEST feelings in the world. And the bad.. well while it SUCKED many days.. I did learn from them and have become such a better person to appreciate life more. I was so angry at God so many days but now I know that MIRACLES DO TAKE TIME.

Many many many blessings to you all this holiday season!!! Big hugs from me to you! =) Now let’s go out tomorrow and STUFF OUR FACE!!! =)

My Lil Gymnast

2011-11-21T11:43:00.001-06:00

Hello my beautiful gals! So after that horrible, insensitive video I posted last night I felt I had to redeem myself and post a HAPPY one ASAP! So let me tell yall about my Dr’s appt on Friday.

Tomorrow is 15 weeks! Yay.. HAPPY 15 WEEKS TO ME!

Anywho, we met our nurse practitioner and she is really nice! Ok.. so can someone explain to me what the difference is between my actual Dr and the nurse practitioner? Don’t get me wrong, she was really nice and informative of the whole process but I thought that’s what the Dr would do also. Ohhh well. So I get there and the nurse who took my vitals said the NP may or may not do an ultrasound. :: insert sad face here:: We felt kind of bummed because last time we saw peanut, it was at 10 weeks. They explained that they normally don’t do US every visit. They just do the Doppler where they hear the baby’s heart beat. Hey that’s better than nothing! I don’t know how people back in the day used to do it! My mom said she never had ultrasounds done with my sisters. That all she knew was that she was late, she’s pregnant and that’s it. She didn’t even know what the gender was until the day of. Whaaaaaat?!?! Oh what a brave, brave woman. Another reason why I couldn’t live back in the day! hehe..

As I’m sitting there patiently waiting for the next step, the NP comes in with her US cart! YAY!! She says she will do a brief US and let us take a look of little one. So me.. thinking okay.. get ready for the Mr. Wandamajig… lay down woman and spread open! Nope.. She tells me to lift my shirt up and expose my belly. Whaaaat?!?! You mean you’re not gunna go through the OTHER WAY.. the way that I’ve been used to for like ever now! I’m so used to just opening my legs in an instant! Whoaaaa.. that sounded bad huh? lol. So the whole BELLY US was bittersweet to me. Being the emotional wreck I am lately, I got teary eyed when she put the gel on my belly and placed the head of the US on my belly. I don’t know.. I guess it brought back sadness of all the times I prayed for this moment and how “jealous” I got when I would see ultrasounds being performed like on movies and how they just expose their bellies like that. I often wondered.. “When will it be MY turn to experience that cold light blue gel on my skin and turn my head over and see this little miracle on the screen that is growing inside ME?”

And there it was.. MY MOMENT. I don’t care how cold that gel was or how hard the NP pushed to get a good view on peanut. Point is.. WE SAW OUR LIL ONE. And it was such a beautiful image. It’s amazing how 4 weeks passed and the baby is bigger and more defined. I got teary eyed.. AGAIN.. when I saw the spine CLEARLY and the heart beat going fast. The most amazing lil heart beat and the instant love I felt when I saw it, is indescribable. Who knew that such a teeny tiiiiny heart could take over OUR hearts. We got to see the baby be VERY squirmy and doing flips like a gymnast! It was the cutest thing ever!! It’s like maybe the baby was trying to run away from all the pushing the NP was doing to try to get a good view. Oh and then at the end, the baby crossed its legs and just chilled. Kind of like “ok ok.. fine… Take a look at me! Go ahead… I’ll just lay here and relax while you crazy people do yalls thing!” Hehehe.. so adorable! We didn’t get a picture this time though. It’s ok. Just the fact that she went ahead and did a quick US, even though she didn’t have to, eased our minds a lot and made us happy happy!

So they gave us the schedule for the next appt’s to come up until the 40 weeks. Eeeeeek! 25 weeks left! Lol. They told us my next appt is… “ THE APPT OF ALL APPT’S!!!”

:: Drum roll please:: GENDER APPT!!!

Wooooohoooooo!!! Yup.. Dec 23^rd is THE BIG day. Right before Christmas! Ahhhhh Merry Christmas to us! We are beyond excited and can’t wait. If you were to ask me what I think I’m having, I will tell you a girl. But then I switch it to a boy. Lol. I honestly don’t know! Ernest is convinced , in his words … “I am 99% sure it’s a boy!” So we will see. I know it sounds cliché and everyone says it but honestly.. all we ask for is a healthy baby! So whatever God blesses us, we welcome it with OPEN ARMS.

Other than that, everything seems extra peachy in the land of Diana. I am looking forward to Thanksgiving dinner. I love it, I Love it, I love it!! Especially my mom’s cornbread stuffing. It is beyond amazing. Just give me a plate of stuffing and I’ll be set! =) What is your favorite holiday dish?

This year we have sooooooo much to be thankful for! Even through the ups and downs, we should ALL be greatful to be alive and have our beloved friends & family. Right? =)

oh!! so as promised.. here's a quick belly pic @ 14 weeks... (pay no attention to that pile on the floor.. The cleaning fairy has YET to show up in my room!! lol)

Happy Monday friends!! Xoxo!

What.. the.. f***?!?!?!

2011-11-20T19:34:00.001-06:00

Ernest was watching a show right now on MSNBC and they showed this woman doing BABY YOGA (doesn't sound too bad huh? umm..yea.. watch!) It is beyond horrifying and this lady needs to go to jail or be swung around herself and see if she likes it dammit!! Just watching it makes me criiiiinge. Thought I'd share with yall how this world is full of crazies. Eeeeeek! And yes.. that baby is REAL!

On a MUCH happier note... Tomorrow I will be updating my great Dr's appt I had this past Friday.. Annnnnd I may even include a baby bump pic.. ::gaaaaaaasp!::

Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!! Mmmmmm... Thanksgiving CAN NOT get here fast enough. I'm ready for some gruuuuuuubbin'! hehe!

Xoxo!

I dare you to NOT get teary eyed...

2011-11-16T21:07:00.000-06:00

uhhh... yea.. I totally lost the dare! ='(

Where's my kleenex?!?!

xoxo,

I'm still here!!

2011-11-14T21:42:00.000-06:00

Ugh.. someone smack my hands for being such a horrible blogger! 2 weeks without posting.. are u kidding me?!?! Diana.. you better have a good excuse for your absence lady!!

<long pause>

Actually.. I have no excuses. Just things getting in the way of me sitting down and writing EVERYTHING I wanted to say. There is sooooooooo much I want to talk about that I have no idea where the heck to begin!!! So instead of writing paragraphs, I think I'm going to do this post a little different. With bullets. And just write LONG bullets. lol.

But first.. I hope you are all doing well!! I've tried to keep up with your blogs and have commented any way I could. But usually I comment from my phone so sometimes I have no idea if they even show up! Ahhhhhhh big hugs to all of yall. I've missed you!!

ok here it goes ! Grab some snacks, plop your feet up.. or is it prop your feet up?!? ha! I'm having a brain fart!! Make yourself comfy!! :)

Last time I posted I was leaving on my cruise!! Ahhhhhhh the cruise!! It was amazing, relaxing, well worth it, so much fun!! I would definately do another one again. The company was great and the food.. TO DIE FOR! Buffets, free ice cream, dining food, shows, sun, shopping... yup pretty much summarizes it all! I haven't uploaded pics so forgive me. I actually didn't take many pictures. I was too busy taking everything in and relaxing that it was hard to keep up and just pose for everything. hehe. Plus I'm not a picture person as much so I mainly took pics of scenery. Ok so let me just say the cruise was eventful! First, we left and 4 hrs into our cruise, we had to sail back home! Yes.. back! Someone had suffered an emergency and we had to transport the person back ASAP because the medical team on the ship needed more help. Well we sailed back and the next day it was rumored that the person had passed away of a heart attack. OMG.. can yall believe that?!?! A heart attack. I felt so bad for the person. I don't know if it was a male or female. Needless to say, still sad. We made up the time somehow. I guess the captain was speeding because we didn't lose our schedule time for things. Then after we came back from Cozumel, we had to all go back to our rooms because apparently someone had said someone went overboard! Oh lawwwwwwwwwwwd! So there we went, back to our rooms. Waited for like an hr until they came around and did a head count in every room. It was a false alarm so that was good! But still.. imagine the chaos and waiting for elevators and what not. Those were thebiggest things that happened. Other than that, everything went smooth! Oh.. but the best part was.... NO SEA SICKNESS!! Halleluia!! I was fine the whole time!! I did feel kind of queasy one night but it was right before bed so I just went to sleep and woke up fine the next day. Did I mention the food was great? lol. If you haven't been on a cruise, I'd highly recommend it. Yall can invite me and I'll go! hehe.
Let's see... within these past two weeks... We've celebrations! Two birthday and two births! It my amazing mother's birthday. Have I mentioned how much I adore my mother? No words can explain the impact she has had on me and the courage she has. Totally look up to her. One heck of a lady, I tell ya! I celebrated one of my best friends bday also. Her name is Laura. This is actually the second birthday year I celebrate with her but it feels like I've known her forverrrr! We have common interests and what I love the most is that she finds me just as wierd as I find her wierd. Lol. The girls all got together for a bday dinner and it wa since hanging out with them. At one point I looked around the table and smiled at each one of these ladies and thanked God in my head for putting them in my life. Having great girlfriends like these is such a wonderful gift! How can anyone live without true friendships?? Another celebration was two births this week! One was of a dear couple friends we have. Their baby girl was born Sunday and she's adorable! We haven't gone to meet her yet. I think it's best we wait til momma gets home anad settles. But from what I've seen in pictures, she's a doll! Another birth was today actually. My newest nephew. Ernest's sister had her second baby today. She already has a 5 year old. He is adorable as well. Full of hair and chubby cheeks. Ahhhh I want to eat those cheeks. Just one bite... can I?? So that makes it... 5 nieces and 3 nephews that we are blessed with. I love it! Ahhh but the next baby coming into the world from our families.. is one miracle that I can't even begin to tell you how crazy I can't wait to meet. Hmmmmmmmm.. why yes. Yes I'm talking about my child!!! ahhhhhhhhhh.. my sweet sweet miracle. And so begins the next bullet.. =)
As of tomorrow, I will be 14 weeks!!! 14 weeks?!?! Yup... time flies. I am loving this pregnancy to the fullest. I hate to put it out there but I am possibly having one of the easiest pregnancies in my eyes. Still no sickness or anything. I am still sleepy. And still with not as mch appetite. But I can hold my food down. I just don't crave anything yet. I'm doing my best to drink water and eating something for my baby. I'm getting a baby bump and I just can't believe it. When I look in the mirror, I cant help but to smile. Because I'm just sooo beautiful! Haha.. nooooooo.. because of this bump. if I could bottle up my bump and keep it forever, i would. wow.. that sounds strange. One of my dear friends texted me out of the blue one night that made me cry. (Yup.. still an emotional wreck.) She put "Knowing you've got a baby growing in ur belly makes me sooo incredibly happy for yall." things like this make my day and make me snap into reality that I'm not just dreaming. This is really happening. I love this baby more and more each day that passes. There aren't enough words to describe the gratitude I have towards all the support we have gotten. All the prayers, all the tears.. has paid off. I started blogging in May and it seems that I didn't blog too long before I became pregnant. 3 months. But in reality, we've been facing infertilty for 3 years. So of course this is all bittersweet. I always kept to myself and didn't let out my thoughts. I bottled them all in. We didn't think much of it and just kept going with the "natural" way of trying to conceive but it just never worked. Until finally we came to realization that we had to seek other methods. This is when I became familiarized that I needed therapy also and needed to reach out to people facing this challenge. And boy am I glad! Now I have a lil miracle growing in me and its so surreal. I go to a dr's appointment on Friday and I'm hoping they do an US. Last time i went I was 10 weeks. So 4 weeks has passed and I miss my baby. I want to see him/her! I talk to it every chance I get.. even to just say a quick I love you. But I know baby is becoming familiarized with my voice. =)

I will go ahead and finish this post for tonight. I have got to take a shower and take some clothes out from the dryer. Ugh.. the joys of laundry. I actually already have my next post started. Ha! I really do. But I'll keep working on it for later this week. I'm back and full of thoughts!! I will be better in blogging my friends. I promise!!

Oh before I go.. here are my two current addictions:

1. ABC'S Once Upon A Time... ahhhhhh I love that show!! we are totally hooked! Anybody watch it?? What do yall think? Pretty good huh?

2. Pinterest! Do yall have Pinterest? If so.. follow me and I shall follow you. CLICK HERE! I am still learning as I go but I find myself going to the app every chance I get and pinning away.

Ohhhhh but 2 websites my job has blocked: Pinterest and Blogger.. LOL.. thaaaaaaaaaaanks job of mine, you're too kind!! NOT!!!

Here's a quote I wanted to share with yall that I found on Pinterest and I LOVE and find so so true..

good night my friends! Sending each one of you a huuuuuuge hug and letting yall know.. I'm still here! =)

Bon Voyage !!

2011-10-29T08:14:00.000-05:00

Hey ladies... So I was SUPPOSED to write this post last night and catch up on all my blogs but eh eh.. did not happen! instead... it was a quite busy night of last minute packing and on top of that I couldn't sleep! I was tossing and turning of excitement.

Whoaaaaaaaa... Packing? Where are you going Diana?!?! --- Well... Not sure if I mentioned this before but a few months ago Ernest & I booked a 5 DAY CRUISE!! It was a bday present from him and I ~~was~~ am beyond excited! And now.. that day is here! Yayyyyy!! Yessssss.. we'll be leaving in about 3 hrs to Galveston, TX with 6 other people, where we will sail out from there and make our way to ....

Progresso, Yucatan
Cozumel

* Thank you Hurricane Rina/ Tropical Storm for leaving that area already and for not causing it any damage... phewwwww... I was worried all week!

Ok ladies... I'm sure yall can understand HOW MUCH WE NEED THIS! The thought of relaxing with a group of friends and just having "no worries" for a few days... just makes us so incredibly satisfied. This will be our first time on a ship!! Eeeeekkk!! When we booked this cruise, it was back in June (I think) so I was already picturing in my head how much of a "party animal" was going to come out of me and all the drinks I was going to have! Oh my!!!

Little ...did.. I ... knowwwwwwwww... A few months later... I was going to be BLESSED with a lil pumpkin on the way. So this trip made a different turn and I am MORE excited for other reasons than the whole "party animal" scene I had going on in my head!

First to get out with my husband. I appreciate him so much for all he does and has done for me. This trip will be amazing for the both of us. Everyone needs a little time to go relax somewhere, have fun and let loose. This will be our last trip I guess you can say before our miracle arrives. And you know what.. I am OK with that! Heck.. I'm sure it'll be the last trip for a loooooooong time. But no trip in the world can compare to having miracle come into your life. Oh great... bring on the waterworks... ahhhh yes good morning hormones!

Second, honestly, I just want to stand in the middle of the ship and look up at the sky/ sunset and THANK GOD and have a nice talk with him. Ok yes God is ALL AROUND US... and I don't need to go out to the Gulf to thank him. I thank him everyday. But something about being in an open water, the blue sky above you, maybe a sunset.... I just want to reflect on this whole journey and THANK HIM. I don't have to go into detail on what I would thank him for because I'm sure you all I know what my list consists of. But basically.... THANK HIM for what he's given me & both our families. And all the incredible friendships I have made, physically with my best friends (who I see as my sisters), and friendships who I have not met physically... like you all. I may never get to meet you all physically but I have had the priviledge to come into yalls lives and I feel honored to share our stories with one another and provide that support. You all inspire me and I thank you for that.

Well you know I can ramble on and on. But the clock is ticking and I must hop in the shower and get ready! I did read some blogs last night in bed on my phone but it was giving me a hard time on commenting!! Ugh. So I feel bad that I haven't commented on any blogs and wont be able to comment until I come back. (which is Thursday by the way) Omggggggooodness.... alot can happen from here til Thursday!! Ahhhhhh I'm going to be missing a lot of posts! I'm excited though. Maybe I'll come back to knowing someone found the magical wand and everyone (who is deserving, of course) is pregnant! Yea???

Please do me a favor a hug someone. Whoever yall want. You pick! Just give someone a nice, long hug. Believe me, It is one of the most amazing feelings in the world. A SIMPLE HUG. =)

I'll be back home next Thursday... Have a wonderful weekend everyone!!

Oh here's a pic of the ship we are getting on. Pretty nifty huh? Ohhhhh I will definately posts pics!! Just you wait!

Things I'm reeeeeeeeally looking forward to on this cruise:

1. Talking to God

2. The endless buffet

3. Hoping to see dolphins in the water!

4. room service

5. The incredible buffet

6. getting pampered

7. seeing the beach with my piña colada in my hand (non alcoholic of course)

8. did I mention the buffet??

9. Sunsets/ sunrises

10. relaxation.

Have you ever been on a cruise???? I hear everyone should go on one at least once in their lives. So excited right now... ok...Stop typing Diana!! Go take a shower lady!!!

bye friends!!!!!!!!!

xoxo!!

ps. you STAY AWAY motion sickness. I'm not packing you on this trip! (crossing my fingers)

Baby love.. my baby love.. I need you.. ohhh how I need you..

2011-10-24T10:39:00.001-05:00

Hellooooooo friends!! Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend! My weekend was pretty hectic. Lots of activities and fun times! The ONLY thing that was horrible was… MOSQUITOS ! Omygoooooodness.. it seems like EVERY single mosquito came to Houston, Texas this weekend! It was horrible! I have bites all over and have been scratching like crazy. It feels sooooo good to scratch.. but painful at the end. I’m pretty sure my legs started to bleed after a while. Ha!

Anywho… So I wanted to share my US experience last Friday!! Everything went super duper!! We met with our new OBGYN this time. I was kind of bummed at first not to go back to my fertility Dr but I knew that I would be taken good care of with this medical team. They all work together on the same floor so I felt I was in good hands. Right off the bat, she.. yes my Dr is a SHE. I was kind of skeptical at first because I really wanted a male Dr. But once she started talking to us, it felt really comforting to hear her and how she expressed herself to us. Very nice! Oh buuuuut she is pregnant also! hehe. So she'll be on maternity leave from Jan til beginning of April. Ahhh... but she assured me that her team will be here for me and will take EXTRA good care of me while she's out. Hey... just be here for May lady! She pulled out the handy dandy wand.. ugh.. I THINK this is the last time for that thing! Yay!! She turned the screen and there it was… OUR BABY LOVE!

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABY!!! OH I LOVE U , I LOVE U, I LOVE U!!!

That’s all I could think of the whole time. =) it was bigger and you can actually see the shape now! And the heart beat flickering away was the best feeling in the world. Seeing that flicker just made my heart turn into a big pile of lovely mush! It was beating at 175 BPM. Which to me seems high but the Dr said that’s perfect! Baby is 3 cm long and growing. She didn’t seem concerned in any way so I was calm throughout the whole visit. She said “this is what I wanted to see. Everything looks great!” And then before she finished, she turned up the volume and since it was an older machine (ummm helllllloooo.. get new ones dammit!), it was difficult to hear the heartbeat CLEAR.. but we did hear it after a few tries. Even muffled, it was the most beautiful sound ever!

Next step? My next appt won’t be until Nov 18 where we meet the nurse practitioner. Here they will give us education on what to expect within the next months up until labor. I’m guessing handouts will be given and all that good stuff. But that’s about it. It was a quick visit yet more than enough!

Symptoms? Seems like just yesterday I found out I was pregnant! Time sure does fly!! Well I am on my 11^th week and still no morning sickness! Yes yes yes.. it’s prob still early. But the fact that I have gone this long without a slight feeling of nausea.. hey I’m pretty proud! I am STILL sleepy and exhausted! Sleep is my BFF right now! I LOVE YOU SLEEP TIME! Oh and burping. Wow ! Lol. Something about me burping all day just doesn’t seem very lady-like to me. It comes out of nowhere too!! Sometimes I’m at my computer and I just burp like a few times in a row. I try to “hold in” my burps but it just seems to obvious! Haha. Appetite? I still can’t each much before feeling full. But thankfully I am able to eat all my regular foods without feeling queasy about it. I also haven’t craved anything in particular just yet. Belly? Yup.. it’s starting. If I could be in sweats all day long, I would be happy! I feel soooooo comfy when I wear yoga pants or any stretchy pant! And I haven’t even started showing all that much! But still! Comfortable clothes.. is my passion right now. I went shopping this weekend and I tried on “normal” clothes.. and I felt bloated, huge (which I know I’m not remotely close to being “huge” yet.. oh just you wait Diana! ) But I just wanted to go straight to the work out section and grab every pair of yoga pant I could find ! lol That’s sexy right? Maybe I can dress it up with accessories, some nice bling bling or a cute scarf! Hahaha!

Ahhhhh.. I feel happy right now. I feel peaceful. I feel blessed. And very emotional too. I can start crying in less than 10 seconds.. wanna test me? 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4 ,3…. Ok better not! =) I hope everyone is doing well, whether you already have a BFP or not, keep striving for your dreams! I am thankfully pregnant but don’t think I am in the “clear” of things. Don’t think that I am “happy go lucky” all the time. I do worry. I do “think” about things from time to time. Infertility is something that never goes away from ones life. Yes good things happen eventually but it’s still a struggle to get to that point. Worries will always be there. Before, during and after pregnancy.

Hugs hugs hugs to you all !!

HAPPY MONDAY MY BEAUTIFUL FRIENDS !!!

< buuuuuuuuuurrrrppppp !! >

Baby image is enlarged but you can see Lil one growing ! Right now it's almost the size of my pinky!!

Random Ramblings..

2011-10-18T10:49:00.001-05:00

Oct 9^th was the last time I posted?!?! Whaaaaaat!??! How could this be!??! 9 days is just too long! Forgive me my dear friends that I’ve been M.I.A. I have honestly been quite busy that I haven’t gotten a chance to sit down and collect my thoughts and just write! But here I am once again just letting yall know I’m still here! <insert applause here> I have been reading some posts by you all and some have touched my heart immensely and some have brought smiles to my face. Eeeeekkk.. If only there was a way to virtually hug yall, I would totally send out lots of hugs!

So what have I been up to? Well just some random stuff. During the week I honestly have been getting home from work REALLY tired! When I say I can sleep anywhere, this is no joke! I can literally fall asleep ANYWHERE, ANYTIME, with ANYONE! hahaha.. ok maybe not that last one. Just threw it out there. But this pregnancy has left me TIRED… with a capital T !!!! But hey.. I’d rather be tired than feeling nauseas or having the crazy morning sickness! Yes my dear friends… still none of that! Woohoo… 10 weeks and I’m still in the clear of morning sickness. The only symptoms/ signs I am slowly developing have been my exhaustion, my boobs are getting fuller, my stomach is getting plump and I haven’t been having much of an appetite. I know I have to eat for my baby’s sake so I do try to find something but deep down, nothing seems appetizing at all!! I know things will change once I go further into this, so I’m curious to know what symptom I will have next!

We also started clearing out our master bedroom and began throwing out trash and putting away clothes that …ahem.. don’t fit. <courtesy of amazing chips and salsa at our favorite Mexican restaurants, Olive Garden, Chik Fil A, Taco Bell, Whatabruger, etc> Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning.. that’s what we’ve been doing. Jealous? I know the baby is not coming til May but I did want to get started somehow and clear out all this mess before I get too big to not even want to move! Plus I love organizing and I LOVE the thought of making over my home before lil one arrives. There is sooooo much to do before May and I am so excited about it. I have a few projects up my sleeve and it’s going to be fun! If only I didn’t have to work at my regular job so I could stay home and finish faster!!! hehe. I don’t think the hubby would find that too convincing. So I guess it’ll all get done slowly but surely. My husband has a few projects he would like to do outside as well so it’s a pretty exciting time for us.

This past Saturday I spent the day with my mom. And let me just say it was quite refreshing to spend it with her. I caught myself staring at this remarkable woman I call my mother and I couldn’t help but get teary eyed. My mother is one of the most AMAZING, COURAGEOUS, UNSELFISH women that I have ever met. If you say you need a dollar, and she only has one in her purse, she’ll give it to you in a heartbeat. No questions asked. We went to go get our hair done, chatted about life, ate, and shopped! Who wouldn’t like that kind of day?? Later that day I went back to pick her up and she joined me at my sister in law’s baby shower. It was nice!! I often look at my mom and reflect on everything she has done for us and I could only hope that I will be as an amazing mother to my child as she has been to my sisters and I. I’ve been lucky to have both my parents teach me good morals and I love them for this. They are far beyond perfect.. of course there were times when I “hated” them. But who doesn’t at one time? The truth is, I truly respect them and I admire them for all they’ve done in life and for their family. If you would look up the definition to “role models”.. you would find a picture of my parents right next to the word! Go ahead… pull out Webster’s Dictionary.. they’re in there!!! =)

I love reading PEOPLE magazine and even though I snicker at some overpaid celebs (no names.. but it rhymes with the GARDASHIANS), there was one celeb who sincerely made my heart ache. I read about Guiliana Rancic, the reporter of E news. She has been diagnosed with breast cancer. This is so sad! Not only did she go thru 3 rounds of IVF, a miscarriage and now this. Why why why?!?! Why is life so unfair?!!? Why do the crack head mothers give healthy births and are shitty mothers??! I just don’t get it!!! Ugh.. I can only hope and pray for her and her husband to get through this road bump and proceed with their passion of wanting to become parents. As mentioned earlier, I have been trying to keep up with some blog reading and I too felt my heart ache when I read about some of yalls failed attempts, AF showing up and even the heartbreaking miscarriages. I can’t say this enough of how deeply sorry and sad I feel for these women. As always, you all are in my prayers and I know He is working on it. I have faith that He is.

So yup.. that’s pretty much what’s been going on in my world. I have my 3^rd US appt this Friday! This will be the first appt with a regular OBGYN. I’m kind of nervous to see my next steps and basically just anxious to see the peanut on the screen! I can only imagine how much bigger he/she is getting. I can’t wait to hear that amazing sound of the heartbeat and maybe I can just have the Dr leave it on for a few minutes while I take a nap! =) Therapeutic don’t you think? I’m having these cookies made for my fertility Dr and his staff and I can’t wait to take it over to them as a little “Thank you!” for all they’ve done!

I’ve been asked when I will change my blog name since I am no longer “BUNLESS”… hmmm.. the answer is.. I don’t know! I haven’t contacted the person who designed my blog to see if they can scratch off the “less” part of my blog name. And I can just be “Bun in the Oven” now. Plus I have to check to make sure that name isn’t taken! Blahhh!! So that’s holding me back a little. Maybe when I find out the sex of the baby (hopefully the beginning of Dec!), I can just re-do my design and have her change the name then. But for now, I will continue to use this one.

I’ll keep you posted on how my appt goes.. and I will try not to have 9 days pass without a single post!! Bad Diana.. bad! =) Ohhhhh before I go.. I wanted to share this ADORABLE video I saw on YouTube. This little girl melted my heart! I challenge you to watch this video and NOT have a tear in your eye at the end of the video.. uh huh.. not gunna happen! =) Enjoy!

Happy Tuesday friends!!!!

Gotta loves quotes!

2011-10-09T23:38:00.001-05:00

Happy Sunday (night) friends! I'm posting from my phone so let's see how this goes... (good thing it's a short post)

Anyway... One of my friends shared this quote today and I loved it so much that I wanted to share with you!!

"When life gets too hard to stand, maybe it's time to kneel."

Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!

Ultrasound #2

2011-10-05T19:04:00.002-05:00

Hi friends!!! So today was my 2nd ultrasound. Annnnnnnnnnd... it went great!!! Just look at the picture! Go ahead.. stare at it. I'll wait a while. <insert ooooo's and ahhhh's here> hehe.

The baby totally looks like me!! =)

So I'm laying there and Dr has his handy dandy wand and next thing I knew... we see baby! And immediately he says "this baby has a great heartbeat. This is exactly what I wanted to see! It's really fast and strong!" And then he proceeds to show us the flutter and then all of a sudden, he turns up the volume and there it was...

The sound of the heartbeat.

:: MY own heart dropped::

I can't believe that this little heartbeat is inside ME! I can't believe this little miracle is happening to ME! I did get teary but I couldn't bust out with the waterworks. As much I wanted, I guess I froze! Cuz once I got back to my desk, I had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom and cry. And I hugged my belly and just talked to the baby. I am on cloud 9 right now and it's such an amazing feeling. THIS is the feeling I've been waiting for for such a long time. THIS is the feeling I have dreamt of so many times. And I wouldn't trade it for the world. Is it crazy that even as I am typing this, I have a huge smile on my face. Ha! Good thing no one is here to wonder what the heck is wrong with me!

Dr says I am at 8 weeks and everything is going smoothly. The size of the baby is ideal and he has no concerns whatsoever. He did graduate me and tell me that my next appt will be with a regular OB. I felt so sad when he was standing there and telling us that it was a pleasure to have us as patients and for us to swing by anytime to say hello. My OB will be on the same suite as the fertility Dr's so of course I will walk over and say hi! I am so grateful for him and the staff! I honestly have nothing but good things to say about them.

So that's how my appt went my lovely friends! I present yall my growing peanut. Thank you for the comments on my previous post about the sperm donor situation. It feels soooooooooo good to let it all out to you all and get the support from each one of you. I love sharing my stories with you and hope I can make a difference in your lives. I hope you know that I will always be one of yalls biggest supporters out there!

I can't stress this enough ---> DON'T...GIVE... UP!! =)

Have a great night everyone!! I know I will have sweet sweet dreams tonight. <3 Much love to you all!

I received this comment just a little while ago from Michelle, over at My Darling Rainbow that made me laugh! lol
"Waiting for your next post is harder than waiting for the new season of dexter was.... Aagggghhhh!"

Thanksgiving isn't for another month but.. one thing I'm grateful for...

2011-10-03T13:35:00.002-05:00

Sperm Donors.

Ok so as I promised in my last post, this post will be about sperm donors. I watched the documentary, Sperm Donor last week. It follows a 33 year old man who has spawned more than 70 kids (yes 70!) after donating to a sperm bank during his 3 years of law school. Some of his offspring tracked him down and he was able to meet two of the kids. It also followed two other girls who were half sisters from sperm donor and they had a chance to meet as well.

I was hesitant at first to watch it but oddly enough, it was VERY interesting. My husband and I watched it together and we didn’t really talk about it throughout the show. All you can see was our eyes glued to the tv. So this guy, Ben has a fiancé. She didn’t seem too convinced about this whole situation or liked the fact that the kids could potentially reach out to him anytime they wanted. But he explained to her that he will never be their father per say and is not looking to having a connection with the kids later on or connecting with the mothers in any way. It was kind of weird seeing how the little kids bonded with him so fast and at the end of the visit the little kids were already asking their mom when they were going to see him again. I guess that’s the hard part. They grow up with no father figure and then all of a sudden, here’s this man you’ve never hung out with and you connect so fast and then bam… He’s gone again until who knows when! I felt so bad for them.

I was kind of bummed that it was only an hr long and I wish there was more to the stories and his other offspring but I guess it was just supposed to be a quick documentary of the life of a sperm donor and what happens. He seemed like a pretty average with a good heart.

As you all may know… (unless you’re new to my blog which in that case.. HI & welcome!!) my husband and I chose to use a sperm donor due to male infertility being the main factor. (azoospermia) We decided to do IUI procedures first (maybe 3-4 times) then if that didn’t work, we would move to IVF. Luckily, my job offers infertility coverage so this is why we were able to have these options easily. Anywho… yup.. sperm donor. That’s us. We went down that road. And while it was a long process to grasp, it has been one of the BEST decisions Ernest and I have made. But I am SO happy to say that after 2 unsuccessful IUI’s (which of course we were prepared for), we finally got our BFP and it feels amazing. I sometimes sit here and tear up of how science can be. How is it that someone was kind enough to donate his sperm to couples who need it. I am not here to judge. Maybe this guy just wanted extra money to travel or to get through school or maybe even to buy an XBOX (hey.. it could happen, right? hehe), whatever reason this may be, I can’t judge him. This sperm donor walked into the room, did his thing and walked out knowing that someday, someone was going to be choosing him as “the” one. And I will forever have a piece of my heart that is thankful to this person. If I was told 10 years ago, “hey if you ever want a child, you’re only method will have to be to use a sperm donor.” I wouldn’t believe it. First off.. I wouldn’t know how that would work and second I would be like “ummm I don’t think so! That would never be an option for me!”

I think what helped with this decision was the fact that Ernest was up for this from day one. He never said “oh no way! I’m not having you have someone else’s kid.” I can honestly say that he was 100% supportive thru all this. Not alot of couples agree to this so it makes it hard to be open to this option. If adoption weren’t so expensive, we would’ve gone down that road too! We wouldn't be the biological parents so that doesn’t mean we would treat the child different. Same goes with this. Ernest may not be the biological father but like I’ve been told before.. SPERM DOES NOT MAKE A FATHER. and I truly believe this. I can’t wait for the moment Ernest and I lay eyes on that little one. He is without a doubt going to be one amazing dad. I see it all the time when he’s with my nieces and nephews. It shows. And I love that!

Was it hard to accept that this was our only method? A little.

Would we do it again? Yes.. in a heartbeat.

Does it make me love my husband less? NO WAY! I love him MORE for this.

Will we treat the baby differently? NO WAY!

Will we tell our child about this? At the moment, no we won’t. We want to keep this to ourselves.

Even our own family doesn’t know about the sperm donor. Sure they know we have infertility issues, but they just think we got pregnant on our own finally after 3 years. Is this bad? We don’t think so. It’s not that we are trying to hide it from everyone but really they don’t need to know everything. Our families are really traditional Hispanic families that probably wouldn’t understand the nature of our decision and the whole process. So just to avoid all the questions and the “how’s”.. we both agreed to just keep it to ourselves.

So there you have it… my thoughts of sperm donor. It is one of the hardest decisions to grasp but at the same time, one of the most rewarding decisions we’ve made. I don’t feel any different or less fortunate than any other pregnant woman out there. A baby is a baby. And no matter how it was you got it, the TRUE test is when you hit PARENTHOOD and that indescribable love you will give to your child. Thank you science for creating ways to give couples a chance.

Update on this lil one: my 2^nd ultrasound is this Wed! Ahhhhhh hurry up Wed! I want to see my lil love (which according to my app (yes there’s an app for it. lol) Baby is the size of a raspberry!! This is going to be by 8^th week check up and we are going to see the heartbeat. If you remember last time, we weren’t able to see it yet because maybe it may have been too early. But I feel confident and ready to see that little heart. I can’t wait!!!!! I still don’t have any morning sickness AT ALL! I seriously don’t feel pregnant, only that I am super sleepy all the time and I am getting a bulge! But other than that… this pregnancy is going smoothly. (so far!) Wish me luck that everything goes well Wednesday and that I have nothing to worry about!

Hope everyone had a fantastic and a blessed weekend! It was beautiful weather here in Texas so I loved it. The only thing was that I got a little sick this weekend with a runny nose and headaches. I’m guessing maybe it was the change of weather or maybe just my sinuses. Eeeeek but I’m feeling a bit better now. As always, I’m thinking of you all and sending y’all big virtual hugs!!

When you hurt, I hurt...

2011-09-27T11:02:00.000-05:00

Ok so pregnancy has definitely taken a toll on my hormones. One minute I am a happy camper, the next minute I lash out at someone (sorry hunny), or I just simply sit and start tearing up. Ahhhhh! What is a girl to do!?!

Today is one of those “wtf”/ teary kind of days. I sit here and I am STILL so angry at infertility. Yes I am HAPPY and YES I am BLESSED to have finally got my wish. But I can’t help but feel some resentment to IF. Why is it that I’m over here pregnant, yet “Jane Doe” is still battling this?? Why can’t it be their time also so we can share this glorious moment and everyone can compare notes? Why do I feel guilt for bringing up pregnancy? I remember sitting on the other side (bunless) and now that I’m on this side (with bun), it feels weird. I remember being jealous but not the bad kind. The jealousy that this person finally got it and I’m still trying to figure out dates, numbers and counting days on my calendar! The jealousy where I would always end up asking “when will it be my turn?”. But now that I am pregnant, I feel like I’m in a new club. When does the sadness stop? I wish I had a magic wand and just wave it over someone’s head and instantly help them get their BFP. I would totally travel around the world just to wave my wand! But the fact that there is no wand, I feel sad. My mother always said that I have a huge heart and would give my everything just to see the other person not suffer, and I truly think she is right. My biggest “problem” is wanting to cure everyone’s sadness with just a simple “I’m sorry” and then I sit and I dwell on it. My mind goes round and round. Not only in infertility stuff either. I have plenty of girlfriends who confide in me their problems and it just hurts to not be able to do anything for them but to lend an ear. Sometimes, that’s all you need to get to another day, right? A good cry and some words of encouragement!

As for me, each day I feel my belly bump grow. Yes I am only 7 weeks but I feel it getting bigger! Maybe it’s just bloating but it’s noticeable. My husband loves it!! And his eyes fill up with tears each time he see my belly. So sweet! So I just look down at my belly and have flashbacks of all the tears and the sadness we went through to get this. Me more than my husband only because I of course was more sentimental and I cried so many days and nights. There were times when I would simply lay in bed and cry myself to sleep. Luckily he was a heavy sleeper so I didn’t have to worry of him waking up and asking “what’s wrong?” Sometimes it was just nice to let it all out. I know that even through pregnancy, the worrying will never stop. And even after when the child is born. Worrying will always be there. Let’s face it.. it’s part of life. I will hit some road bumps and some easy slopes. Overall, OF COURSE I am beyond happy that this is finally happening! I have one more week until my next ultrasound appointment and I am praying hard that we get to see that heart beat.. maybe even hear it! eeeeeeekkkkkk!!

I will NEVER forget the battles we came across and the bumps we hit to get to this point. One thing I can say about infertility is… it made me be a better person. It made me appreciate life more and not take things for granted. It made me understand women more and not ‘judge” anyone who doesn’t have kids yet. Before I would just think “how come they don’t have a family yet? Oh probably because they want to travel and not have that responsibility yet?” Then I would snicker at them and go off my business. But little do I know that MAYBE, just MAYBE, they are trying to have a family but are struggling. No judging here anymore.

As I continue to follow everyone’s journey, I can’t help but get teary (thank u again hormones!) I continue to pray for all you strong women that you get some strength, a sense of peace and most of all, your little miracle SOON! Remember, I am one of yalls BIGGEST cheerleaders out there! I also wanted to share a post I had done a while back in June. For my newer followers in case they didn't see it the first time.. Just a simple reminder that infertility doesn’t always have to be considered a “punishment”... What do I think God meant when he gave me Infertility

Hope everyone is having a fabulous day and week!

Ohhhhhhh sooooooo last night I was watching STYLE channel and I saw a preview to this documentary called SPERM DONOR. It’s a show that follows the sperm donor and their offspring. Not really sure how I feel about this. I’m nervous. It’s on tonight at 9pm.. soooo maybe I’ll watch it. This is definitely for my next post!

My 6 week bun...

2011-09-22T10:57:00.001-05:00

(Ok, is this the PERFECT picture for my blog or what?!?! hehe.. )

Magical.

That’s the one word I can use to describe the feeling I felt when I saw my ultrasound yesterday. Simply magical. I had to ask the Dr “is that it?” and sure enough.. the ittttty bitttty circle on the bottom corner was it! I couldn’t cry. I was crying inside but just the sight of this lil sweet pea inside me made my heart melt. I couldn’t believe that I was actually seeing something in there rather than a blank canvas. This is really happening. Even though it looks so small in the picture, I know it's there! And now that I keep going back to that moment, my eyes fill up with tears of pure happiness.

Everything is looking good so far. I am at six weeks. Dr said I should be due anywhere in between May 13- 16. Mother’s Day baby, maybe?… how sweet! Baby is at about 3 cm. Ahhhhhhhh so tiny!! Can I hold you already baby?!?! hehe.

The ONNNNNLY THINGGGGG that happened with this ultrasound visit that had me a TAD BIT “concerned” .. cuz you know there’s gotta be some sort of “road bump” in Diana’s road, right?? Well the Dr wasn’t able to detect the heartbeat… YET. Before he went on, he was very positive and said “don’t worry! Everything looks good and what I want it to look like. Some people don’t see the heart beat til after 8 weeks. Let’s get you back in 2 weeks and everything will be fine and we will get to see it.”

HAHAHAHAHAHA.. did he just say “don’t worry.” to me? An infertile who is probably the biggest worry wart in all the land!?!? =)

I felt uneasy at first and didn’t know how to react. I had read (GOOGLE.. grrrr.. GOOGLE!) how some women get to see the heartbeat as early as 5 weeks so I was really hoping to see it this time. But I didn’t. Does this mean it’s a bad thing Diana? Nooooooooo! STOP THINKING THAT! It just means your baby is tiny still and is probably being a little shy at the moment. Just like the momma! Hehe.. Hey.. I can be shy sometimes. So I can’t wait for the next time we meet again my lil one! In two weeks.. ugh.. two weeks?!?! I thought I was away from the two week waiting period for a while?!?! Diana.. be.. strong.

We went ahead and made the announcement to our extended family and everyone is soooo super excited for us. I received lots of wonderful emails and phone calls and it was so sweet to know how many people were praying for us throughout all these years. We also made it FACEBOOK official.. <DUN DUN DUN!>… I was kind of dreading the whole announcement and was wondering if maybe I’m jumping the gun too fast to announce it but the fact is.. WHY NOT?!? I have waited a long time to announce a pregnancy so why shouldn’t we embrace it and let the world know?!? I know about the whole keeping quiet until about 12 weeks but sheeeeesh.. that would mean I would have to keep quiet for another 6 weeks! 6 weeks is a long time in my world!! I can’t be a NEGATIVE NANCY and just think the worst of things. So for now, I will cherish this time and take each day one day at a time. Life is fragile and ANYTHING can happen. You just have to make the most of everything and hope and pray for the best outcome at the end.

So there you have it my lovely ladies… the latest and greatest. Am I having any symptoms? You know.. I haven’t got any really bad ones. I do have the sore boobs and I get cramps (yes those cramps and I are best friends.. blah!) But that’s about it. Is it wrong to say that sometimes I don’t feel like I’m pregnant? Only because all this time I had the perception of a PREGNANT woman experiencing ALL the symptoms in the world, like nausea and morning sickness.. the works! So now that I am pregnant, I stop and wonder “hmmmm.. how come I’m not getting morning sickness??” I realize every woman/ pregnancy is different and I probably just jinxed myself and will wake up vomiting all over the place tomorrow morning! Lol. Until then, I will continue to embrace the fact that I am pregnant and just take it all inside. I’ve had a few people tell me that I am starting to glow. I LOVE IT!! No no.. it’s the HOT TEXAS WEATHER people that’s making me seem like I’m glowing! Hahaha.. just kidding. I feel a glow inside and on the outside too. And I truly am loving this feeling.

Oh!! The little getaway this past weekend was super relaxing and we really enjoyed our first bed and breakfast outing! The weather was rainy and breezy! Perfect!! The food was delicious!! But the bed was the BEST part.. (ohhh yeaaa!!) Haha.. No, don’t think dirty… we literally fell asleep and melted on that king size bed like we were sleeping on heaven clouds. IT WAS THE MOST COMFORTABLE BED IN THE UNIVERSE with the most AMAZING SHEETS!!!! I want it.. I need it!! lol…

<sigh!> I feel like I haven’t been on here for a while. I have A LOT of catching up to do in my reading! I need to know what’s going on with you girls!! I feel lost!! =( Don’t think I am ignoring you or don’t care! *sniff sniff. This week has been hectic since I left for the weekend without doing laundry or house work… Ah!! I have to catch up on my house duties! I want to clean my house and get it organized little by little because I know later on, I will not have the energy to do much! Hope everyone is getting ready for another weekend! I always look forward to my weekends that’s for sure. Hang in there.. just two more days of work. Booooo!! I seriously need to win the lotto soon and NEVER WORK… EVER! =)

Thinking & praying for you all as always!

Xoxo!

Wordless Wednesday :)

2011-09-21T15:50:00.001-05:00

Our lil one! <3

(will write more later! I'm on my phone!! Hehe)

A Peaceful Mind...

2011-09-16T14:08:00.001-05:00

Thank you Thank you for all the wonderful congratulatory wishes you left us! I was over whelmed with such sweet comments. It made me so happy. I’m already emotional as it is, so reading it, just brought more tears to my eyes. I just can’t believe it’s happening to me. I feel like someone is going to come out from behind something and say “heyyyyy.. you’re on candid camera!! HAHAHAHAHA we really had you going huh??” and then that’s when I punch the camera guy in the face! And show him no mercy! (yes.. I have played all this in my head! )

But no… it’s really happening. And this weekend can’t go fast enough. I want it to be next Wednesday already. On my last post I put Tuesday but I was so caught up in typing that I was wrong. My ultrasound is next Wednesday the 21st. Gahhhhh I have to wait one more day?!?! Haven’t I waited enough?!?! Hehe.. I want to go in there and see that everything is going well. I just want that moment with him/her and fall instantly in love. No I take that back… I’m already in love! It’s amazing how in an instant that you find out you’re pregnant, you magically fall instantly in love with this little creation inside of you. I want to protect it, love it, nourish it.. and I certainly can’t wait to caress it. So sweet!

We haven’t told a lot of people yet. We are waiting until after the ultrasound. By then I will be at 6 weeks and even then… I feel maybe it’s too soon to tell people. But I can’t keep it in much longer. I don’t know how some people can wait until after 12 weeks! That’s hard for me!! I know a lot of people will be soooo thrilled for us and we just want to share the great news. =) I hope I’m not jinxing myself on showing my excitement or by telling people but then I think to myself, “Why should I hide it?? Be proud! Embrace it and let your face light up. Put it all in God’s hands.” So I plan on doing that. I don’t want to become a worry wart and I honestly think that I have been doing good about it. I don’t worry about each little cramp or tingle… I just go with it and take it all in.

I went in for my 3rd beta today before my US next week : results….. 5832! ( 1^st beta: 433/ 2^nd beta: 1860… Again, I have no idea what these numbers indicate but nurse says I’m moving right along and she said “woohoo!!” sooo that made me feel good.)

What’s happening this weekend? Well my husband got me a bed and breakfast trip for my bday!!! Ahhhhh I’m so excited. We are going this weekend to Fredericksburg, TX (in the hill country) to a little relaxing getaway. They are known to having lots of cute little bed & breakfasts throughout the town and shops. I can’t wait! So that’ll be nice. Other than that, not much going on here. Oh!!! I do want to go see The Lion King in 3D though! Haha.. I LOVE this movie!! And in 3D.. how cool will this be?!?! I guess I’m hoping maybe this version will not make me cry during the “stampede” and Mufasa will magically survive and everyone will live happily ever after right there and then!! Hahaha.. gotta love Disney!

Sending yall lots of love & hoping everyone has an awesome weekend… =)

The Tale of a Birthday Miracle

2011-09-12T21:07:00.003-05:00

Remember this wise woman ?

Wellllllllllllll…

So let me see if I can tell it like a story. Once upon a time there was a girl named Diana.. ok ok I won’t start like that.

Let’s just start with last week, Wed Sept 7^th. This was the dreaded day that AF showed up at my front step. DING DONG! I felt heartbroken and cried like you wouldn’t believe. I stood in the shower against the wall and just cried along with the shower water dripping down my face. I spoke to God and asked him Why? I cried it out and at the end…. All I said was 4 little words… “I need a miracle.” I read yalls comments and my heart felt relieved and at ease. I was amazed by the outpour of yalls comments and wishes. I knew I was going to try another time. No giving up. Just keep trying.

The next morning (Thursday) I woke up with a sense of peace. Like that day was going to be a good day. I knew in my heart I was going to have to sit down with my husband and talk about what our next step was going to be. But that was going to be done that evening. So I get to work and everything is fine and dandy. I then go to the restroom to ummm.. dare I say… change my feminine product. Oh ok.. we’re all adults here.. I had to change my tampon. There I said it. ha! Well when I changed it, the tampon itself was DRY. Zilch. Nada. Not even one spot of red. <insert confused look> what the heck?? Why wasn’t it all full blown like other times? Today is my second day of her highness. So what’s going on? I headed back to my desk and just went on with my day. Throughout the day I just kept thinking “that’s so weird? Omg.. maybe?.. wait. No.. I couldn’t be. She was here yesterday and today you’re still cramping.” If you can recall… I NEVER actually got a BFN because I NEVER tested. Remember when I said I wasn’t going to test because I was just going to let HER show up. Well needless to say, as I was driving home my car magically drove over to Kroger to pick up some tests. (you mean your car doesn't go on its own to places?) The box came with 2 .. no.. 3! The 3^rd was free… SCORE! So I take the box home and put it in my bag and went on with my evening. I’m laying on my couch and my husband and I are watching tv and relaxing. I haven’t even thought of the tests. I seriously had forgotten about them. So I didn’t really want to talk about “our next step” just yet. I was too caught up on the relaxing that I wanted to maybe leave it for the next day.

So then I gotta pee and as I walk passed my bag, I saw the box and I decided to go ahead and take one. Ugh.. seriously… why do I do these things to yourself?!?! Are you ready Diana? There I am .. waiting for something to happen. I wash my hands and start pacing back and forth. Not that there’s a lot to pace on. My restroom is small. Hehe.. so finally I take the test and look at it…

-------- 2 LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINESSSSSSSSSS!! Are you kidding me right now?!?! ------------

I am literally shaking and I want to scream. I come out of the restroom and go to my husband and just say “Ernest, I gotta tell you something..” He then starts freaking out cuz he sees me shaking and automatically thinks something bad happened. He doesn’t have a clue what I just did. So I’m shaking and trying to get the words out of my mouth and its hard! I’m sure I stuttered and made no sense but all I remember is TRYING to explain to him my whole reasoning to take a test.. I couldn’t talk anymore.. I walked over to the table and picked up the test (nice Diana, real nice. Placing a pee stick where people eat… sidenote: I have sterilized the table since) I showed him and all he could do was scream “OHHHHHHH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!! OHHH MY GODDDDDDDD!!” And I’m over here boohoo-ing and crying and he’s screaming and we’re screaming. I’m pretty sure the neighbors thought we were these two crazy fools! After about 30 min of screaming and tears, we settled down and just hugged and looked at each other like “NOW WHAT?!?!” Before I go to bed, I pee again. 2 Lines still. =) I was going to make the call first thing in the morning to my Dr’s office. I can honestly say I slept amazing that night.

The next morning (Friday) I call my nurse and leave her a message. After about an hr, she calls me back and congratulates me. She then wants me to come in to take blood work and see where I am at and my HCG level. Later that day, she calls me with results and tells me my HCG level was at 433. Which she says is really good! And then she proceeded on telling me I am about 4 weeks (I guess they base it from the first day of my last period.. I think?)and they want me to come in on the 21^st for my first ultrasound, which by then I will be at 6 weeks.

HOLY EFFIN COW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOMEONE PINCH ME!! THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?!?! 4 DAYS AGO I CUSSED OUT AF IN MY POST!! NOW THIS!!?!?!? OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE DON’T BE A DREAM.. PLEASE DON’T BE A DREAM!

So yup… my fellow lovely friends…

I’MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM PREGNANNTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DID YALL HEAR ME?!?! I'M WITH CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There aren’t enough words to describe my heart right now. Even as I type this, my heart is racing! I honestly can’t believe this is happening. I am in total shock! There are times when I want to jump up/down and other times when I want to cry because I start to think of this journey and how rough & slow it has been. But at the end.. it turned out amazing!

I can’t thank God enough for this blessing. I prayed, I cried. I bargained. And I waited.

I also prayed to a certain Saint. His name is St Gerard. If you’d like to read about him, click here!. I ordered a necklace with his image on it and I prayed to him every day and night. Multiple times a day. It’s such a short prayer but very meaningful. I truly believe he helped me this cycle.

My first US is next Tuesday and I am soooooo excited about it. I sit here and think about it and wonder how amazing it's going to be to see it. The moment I see something instead of a blank space, that’s when it’s going to hit me. I know I will lose it. And I will fall in love. Love at first sight indeed.

All this happened Friday, my birthday was Saturday. You can imagine how HAAAAAAAAAAPPPY I was this weekend to celebrate (no drinks of course ) It killed me to write my bday post and not tell yall!! I wanted to tell yall but I knew I wanted to write this massive journal entry instead! And then I was so busy all weekend that I'm barely having time to relax a home and write. I received such a thoughtful birthday card from one of my fellow blog friends. Thank you again Maria! Soooooooo sweet!! My first gift over mail. How cool is that?!?! Thank you, thank you for all the birthday wishes. And for the incredible support I get from you girls. You girls are my rock. I lean on yall when I need it and I hope you know I am here for you too! I catch up on blogs and it’s amazing how strong and simply amazing all of you are!! We told our immediate family yesterday.. and everyone was crying!! Not one dry eye in the room!! I can kick myself because I didn’t record it. But my sister had my camera and it threw me off and ruined my plan! This has got to be THE BEST BDAY GIFT EVER. Wouldn't you agree? I can't stop smiling.

Then I can't help but think of the other strong women who continue to battle this journey and I pray & pray that their time will come SOON. I cry with them and I ask God to help them out. I have read in other blogs that some people choose to not follow the newly pregnant person anymore simply because it is too painful to be reminded that this person is pregnant and they are not. And I know there’s a chance that I may lose a few followers and I’m sad but I need to understand that this may be hard on them. I don’t want to be the annoying pregnant person that “rubs it in.” Only because I KNOW that feeling. I KNOW it hurts. So I will try my best to not be “annoying”. I will however continue to post my wacky posts and beam with joy at certain things throughout this journey. Because quite frankly… I’M HAPPY & I’m sure there will be times where I’ll be worried… it’s not over yet. I am stepping into a whole new world now and I’m scared! So I need to vent! And this is the perfect place! =)

Today I went again to another blood work. And the nurse called me back with the results: HCG level 1860!!! She said this was a great number nd that everything is going smoothly. I go one more time this Friday before my US next week. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

ok.... Seriously... it's really happening huh??? <joy joy joy!>

Thank you God and St Gerard for this MIRACLE.
Thank you to my husband who never once gave up on this and who was 100% on board with using donor sperm. I know it must've been hard, But his wanting be a father was greater than anything else.
Thank you to our family and friends for the unconditional love and prayers!
Thank you to you all, for being there for me each time with words of encouragement.
Thank you to our donor for helping out 2 loving people who want nothing more but to become parents. It may have taken 3 years to come to this point but we did it! And it was totally worth the wait.

So there you have it ladies.. MY BIG SHOCKING SURPRISE!!! Sorry I kept yall waiting... cuz I know yall were on the edge of your seats right?!?! =) I can't say that I won't be nervous or that I'm not scared a little. I KNOW and YALL know that I will be a nervous wreck. =) I even feel scared because I just want everything to go smoothly. I get scared to get overly excited... does that make sense?? All I can do is continue to pray and hope for the best! Symptoms? Nope.. no symptoms yet. Just a few mild cramps (those damn cramps seem to love me huh?? ) But they say it's normal because that means something is happening down there... OH MY!

Xoxo everyone!! Ahhhhhhhhhh... I'm sending you the biggest virtual hug in the world!!

<squuuuuuuuuuuuuuuueeeeeeeeeeze!!!!!!!!!!>

And for those amazing women who are waiting for their miracle... PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP! Don't lose faith. And don't think anything is impossible. Because anything IS possible. Close your eyes and picture your baby everyday and that baby will come to you. I promise.

HAHAHA...At the Dr's office... who said IUI's weren't fun??

And here is the result of this day: (yes i took all 3 )

Who knew I'd ever get to see 2 lines?!?!?

I guess 3rd time WAS the charm afterall. =)

oh! Before I go, I feel like I should write a little something to AF.. ahem <clearing throat>

Dear AF,

I’m sorry I cussed you out in my “heartbroken” post, in the shower, in my car, and in the womens bathroom at work. I realize it wasn’t you knocking at my door. It was someone else. I’d like to believe it was the Fairy Godmother who dropped off her baby dust and may have caused me to “spot” a little. I’ll take it! Oh AF, you’ve been with me every month since I was 12 … what am I going to do without you for 9 months?!?!?! Hmmm… I think I can manage! Til next time lady. I’ll think of ya.. but I can’t promise you that I’ll miss ya!

Sincerely,
Diana

Now time to catch up on my blog reading!

Today... I am going to laugh and smile BIG!

2011-09-10T09:41:00.001-05:00

Ok so the picture is missing 20 candles... who's counting!?!? lol.

Ahhhhh another year!! Why does time go by so fast?!? eeeek! Well I'm sitting here in my Christmas pj's (yes i celebrate early OR I really need to do some laundry! haha) and just reminicing all my birthday celebrations. And I have to say... I have been quite blessed in my 30 years! I know I have had my ups and downs and LOTS of tears (not all happy ones) but I know He will never leave me. I trust in Him and I have faith that things will begin to brighten up each day!

I will keep this post short. (Whoa.. that's a first! ) But I just want to say THANK YOU everyone for coming into my life as I share with you my journey. Thank you for allowing me to express myself and for encouraging me more and more each day! I want to write SO MUCH more but I have a list of things to do today!! I gotta get moving if I wanna finish.

Tonight we will be celebrating it big at a local restaraunt/bar. So I'm looking forward to seeing all my closest friends and family. I'm ready to have one kick ass time! I wish yall could join me! hehe.. it starts at 8pm sooooooooo I think if yall hop on a plane now, you should be able to make it to Houston in no time! lol.. ha! Ok I'll be sure to take plenty of pics so I can share with you the night.

Hope everyone is having a WONDERFUL weekend! Big hugs from yours truly!!

xoxo!!

Ps. my NEXT post will be quite a LONG post. Eeeeeeekkk... consider this a WARNING! =)

Back to the drawing board...

2011-09-07T15:24:00.004-05:00

Knock knock..

Who’s there?

Ur “favoritest” aunt in the whole world

::insert evil laugh here::

There aren’t enough words that can describe my aching heart at this moment. I HATE life right now. I am sad. I can’t even talk to God right now. I know I shouldn’t be mad at him but quite honestly.. I am. I want to cry it out and just avoid anyone right now. Where is the nearest hole to hide in?

meanwhile… that irresponsible girl is pregnant with a child she doesn’t even want in the first place and is not ready for. I, on the other hand, am 100% ready and want it SOOOO bad… & somehow I can’t get it. How messed up is that?!?

and all I can keep repeating over and over and over in my head is… “WHY US??” and I have YET to find a reasonable answer to it.

Next step? I.don’t.know!!!!!

IUI or IVF? IUI has been covered w my insurance and it’s cheaper than IVF. But what if I do IVF and it wastes ALL my remaining insurance coverage, leaving me with nothing!!?!?! how are we going to afford more treatments?!? My head is spinning around & around & around… =’(

acupuncture? never tried it. how many sessions would I need? what would I say?!? ahhhhhh!!

I need strength (and maybe some strong alcoholic drinks)… STAT! i am emotionally and physically drained!

Til next time my friends… Thank you for being YOU. =’) and a BIG congratulations to those who have gotten their BFP’s this week! (Yay Julia! I’m drawing a blank on who else… forgive me!)

XOXO

I shall leave the first 2 comments on this post:

Happy early bday Diana! Sorry I showed up to ruin your bday celebration!! OOOOOPS, MY BAAAAD! Can’t wait to stick around for the party on Saturday… WooHoo!! Enjoy!

Sincerely,

Life sucks right now… F*** YOU AF & INFERTILITY!! You sure do know how to get to me!

Hating the both of you right now,

BunLESS in the Oven

My thoughts exactly kid!

My strength starts here...

"Emotional lady, party for 1... You're table is now ready. Plz follow me."

2011-09-05T20:38:00.001-05:00

First of... let me just say. Any infertile who says they don't obsess during the 2ww (even a little) I will personally buy them a plane ticket to visit me in Texas just so I can hug them, shake the hand and take a picture with one of the STRONGEST women in the universe! lol.. it's hard not to!!!!!!!

2 days.... in 2 measely days... SHE is due to arrive at my front step. And I seriously am NOT going to roll out the red carpet for her!

What have I been doing these two weeks? Ummmm.. besides going ~~crazy~~ crazier, basically just feeling wierd!!! There are moments I want to cry and moments I want to throw stuff across the room and yell out "WHAT THE F***?!?!!" And then there are moments when I experience the teeny tiny hope and my heart fills with JOY!

I can't explain it any other way. I feel different this time. I have felt wierd symptoms but I'm not sure if that's a good thing or bad thing. For example... the last 2 IUI's I had cramps ALL throughout the 2ww. This time.. I haven't. I barely got cramps towards the end. This time... my nipples are very very very sensitive and sore!! No no.. not the entire breast... the nipple itself! Like to the point where as soon as I get home from anywhere, I take off my bra and feel free!!!! It's crazy how just that one lil area can cause such soreness. WOW! I have literally spend more than 2 sentences talking about nipples! lol.. NEXT!

Cramping... I'm getting them now. Like every 15 min and it's basically scaring me. I am traumatized with the thought of cramps and AF correlating! I want to cry. I haven't gotten the nausea, the dizziness, the headaches, the metal taste, the hunger. (I'm always hungry! haha) So the only thing I have are.. SORE NIPPLES. (last nipple comment, I swear!)

I did some "retail therapy " this weekend and let me tell ya.. I swear I think I saw a pregnant woman like every 10 min! Ugh!!!!! WHY AREN'T YALL AT HOME INSTEAD OF OUT HERE!?!?! it was torture! Pregnant women... everywhere!!

Ok sorry to drift off a little but I think it's simply bullshit (excuse my language) how infertile women "suffer" those 2ww. Why is it so easy for women who CAN get pregnant to be like "ohhhh i'm 2 months late.. let me take a test!" "OMG... IM PREGNANT! and I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!"... oh noooooooooo... but infertiles, we are late ONE day and we gleam with hope!!! And pee on sticks like crazy throughout the 2ww. we literally go crazy! We can't enjoy the 2 weeks to the fullest because there is that thought lurking around in our minds "am i?? yes? no? maybe??" Why can't we be like "ohhh la la la la... wait.. I haven't started since June, I should really check on that!" grrrrrrrrrrr!!!!

I honestly, truly.. do NOT know what to think right now. The past 3 months my period cycle have always been 29 days. So my 29th day will be this Wed. This is the day that I am scared of. This is the day that I am dreading. I am nervous. I am scared. I am sad. I am experiencing 100 kinds of emotions right now.

Have I taken a test? NO. I don't want to. I don't want to see the BFN. So I decided to just let AF show up if that's what the outcome will be. I hate the feeling of seeing ONE LINE. To the point where if I think about it now, I want to vomit. I don't want to POAS and feel my heart drop. So instead, I will just wait for her.

I am nervous about my next post. Ahhhhhh... This is one of those times when I need my mom sooooooooo bad right now and just receive a tight hug from her!! I have tears in my eyes and I feel overwhelmed. I will have to make a pit stop to her house this week and get one of those hugs. =)

Thank you for those who have checked up on me and have given me the warmest wishes! I REALLY appreciate it. =) Til next time my friends... please say a quick prayer that I get good news or that I am given strength like Wonder Woman to be able to handle Wed! =)

Much love!

Seriously, Diana?!?!

2011-08-31T19:46:00.002-05:00

So my day at work was going fine and dandy until my co worker pulls something from her purse and catches my eye. Something that HOLDS THE ANSWER TO ALL ANSWERS. Something that KNOWS IT ALL!! Something that is WISE AND IS PRATICALLY LIKE THE POWERFUL OZ!

What is it u ask?!?! Well.. it's....a...

That's right folks.. a MAGIC 8 BALL keychain !

No no.. it doesn't stop here. I jokingly asked her to let me see it and I was like "OMG I haven't seen one of these in forever!" And she goes "oh it's some silly keychain my kids won at a PUTT PUTT place and they put it on there. You know how kids are!"

me giving a nervous laugh... "Oh kids!!! That's funny!"

So I'm playing with it.. rolling it. Looking at it. It's staring back at me.

And in my head...

Yea.. you know what I'm about to ask it right?? ... I ask the inevitable (in my head of course. I can't have my co worker think I'm crazy just yet! I don't know her like that!! lol)...

AM I PREGNANT?

Yes... Diana.. because THIS is going to tell you if you are or not. THIS is the TRUE WAY TO FIND OUT. Who needs the LONG 2ww or HPT'S when you have a MAGIC 8 BALL to give you all the magical answers!!!!!

LOL.. I can't even remember what it said. I think it gave me a "try again" type of answer. But seriously.... WHO ARE YOU RIGHT NOW DIANA??!!?!

I smiled, shook my head and gave it back to her.

Thinking to myself... "take your stupid magic 8 ball dammit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

::blank face::

Oh Mr Magic 8 Ball... who do you think you are with that round shape of yours and having a little triangle inside you with random answers?!?! Huh huh huh?? Wait!! Answer me one more thing...

HAVE I COMPLETELY LOST MY MIND?!?!?

Thank you Mr Magic 8 Ball... you're toooooo kind! NOW GO AWAY YOU SILLY LITTLE GADGET!!

::sigh::

ps. Can someone send me a STORM of BABY DUST my way?!?!?! I'd appreciate that!! =)

5dpIUI & Virtual Hugger Award

2011-08-29T13:15:00.001-05:00

How was everyone’s weekend? Did yall survive Hurricane Irene?? I know some of you were caught up in it, so I hope you and your families are safe and yall didn’t get much damage. =)

Well today is 5dpIUI. And I’m feeling weird. I can’t seem to explain it any other way. Just plain weird. Wait.. before I go on with this.. I HAVE to say one thing.. I HAVE YET TO EXPERIENCE AF CRAMPS SINCE MY IUI!! Whaaaaaaat?!?! This is huge for me! I feel twinges here and there but today was probably the first time I feel a LITTLE cramping in the morning. But nothing like the last 2 times. I remember cramping every single day. It was horrible!! But this time, it’s like my body said “ok fine.. I’ll give you a break. But… u still have to wait though sucka. Bwahahahah!!” --- uhhh thanks!

Am I feeling anything “different”? Well I am.. but I’m afraid of overanalyzing. The last 2 times, I had every single “pregnancy sign” and look what good that did. My nipples are super sore! (cuz I know that’s what yall wanted to hear right?? lol) but just the nipple area.. it’s really random. I don’t feel nauseous. I am sleepy all the time though. (which is nothing new) My lower back has been a bit achy. And this time I am experiencing little twinges in my lower stomach but I feel like it’s just AF getting ready to come visit me again.

WHY DO YOU LOVE ME SO MUCH AF?!?! GO AWAY!! I NEED A BREAK FROM YOU!! HMMMM.. OHHH I DON’T KNOW LIKE A 9 MONTH BREAK MAYBE! YEA??? CAN YOU DO THAT FOR ME???!?

Has anyone found the crazy scientist yet with the 2ww invention I asked for??? Cuz this 2ww is simply insane. I just want to know. YES or NO! < sigh> Ok gawd… here comes another cramp as I type! Ugh… go away AF!! Ur little warning signs are NOT funny to me! Don’t you dare!

Ugh so I’m a horrible person! WHY ?? ok.. so yall know how I told yall that I have been working out and blah blah. Well when I had my IUI, I was pretty bummed that I wouldn’t be working out for a while. I didn’t think it would be wise to start up on my vigorous exercises right after doing this. I felt that it might damage any possibility. So I said “ok..i need to back away.” Well I started having thoughts of…”omg! but all that “work out” for nothing!?!? How will I ever go back to being motivated?? What if this IUI doesn’t work and all I did was waste my time sitting on my ass when I could’ve been working out?!?!” --- I feel disgusted with myself for thinking that. How selfish of me! How could I even THINK about my image first then my possible miracle?!?! I’ve wanted this soooooo bad for 3 years and here I am (barely working out for 3 weeks) and I have these thoughts?!?! YOU WANT TO GET FAT DIANA! YOU WANT THAT ROUND BELLY! Who cares about working out right now?!?! plus.. you are FAR from your goal anyway so suck it up sister!!! YOU WANT THE EXTRA LBS!!!!!!!!!!!!! *slap upside my head

<phew> I feel better.

So here I go.. waiting and waiting. That’s all I can really do. Staying busy as much as I can and trying not to “think” too much into it. I’m still feeling HOPEFUL and EAGER! It’s not over yet!!!!

Oh Please please please God… I just want my eggo to be preggo!!!!

_____________________________________________________________________

On another note: I have received another blogger award. YAY… How fun!! By 3 fabulous people.. (I feel the love!) Thank you! ♥ C , E & R, and Sarra

I have to list 3 reasons why I love comments and then pass on the award =)

3 reasons why I love comments:

1. Because yall help me keep staying strong. Soooo many of us going through this INSANE JOURNEY and it feels nice to know I’m not alone in this.

2. I have truly met some of the most amazing women out there. You are all so strong and I admire each and every one of yall. I LOVE reading yalls stories and put myself in yalls shoes and cry with yall, be happy with yall, etc. (wow… I sure do say YALL a lot!! Lol.. can we say proud Texan or what?? lol)

3. Nobody ever judges me! As crazy as I can be, I have yet to get a negative comment (which I hope I don’t!) and this make me so happy to know that I am never critized for any action. Yall give THE best advice! With that being said.. I have a confession.. I HAVE entered Google today. LOL.. REMEMBER.. DON’T JUDGE ME! hehe.

Now I pass the award. I can't really just name a few to give this to. So please... accept this award as I am giving it to each and every one of my commenters. I send each and every one of yall a virtual hug and THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for helping me get through yet another day of IF.

Have a wonderful day everyone!!! xoxo! Remember... KEEP THE FAITH ! =)

Googaholics Anonymous: Just Say No!

2011-08-24T15:13:00.000-05:00

I sound like a broken record!! Buuuut…

IUI #3 done!

Blah blah blah… I won’t go into details of it all since the same process happened.

Sign in -> sit in waiting area-> get called back -> take my pants off (oh my! hehe) -> talk to Dr-> procedure done -> walk out feeling CONFIDENT -> 2ww (ugh!)

Yup.. that pretty much sums it all. This time MY DR peformed the procedure and it felt “different”. Like “good different”. Other times, the resident or student would do it with his supervision. I left with confidence. I left with a smile. I left with love. I left thanking God for giving me another opportunity to do this.

Numbers:

IUI #1- one mature folli?, total motile sperm: 10 mil

IUI#2- one mature folli? (estradiol level was 322) total motile sperm: 12 mil

IUI#3- 2 mature follies? (estradiol level 759) total motile sperm: 14 mil !

Sooooooo.. there’s definitely an increase of follie/size. And of course in the sperm count. That should be a good sign right?!?

What a relief. Now the “2ww fun” starts of waiting & waiting.

WHYYYYY SOOOOOOO LOOOOONGGG?!?!

And I have VOWED to NOT GOOGLE!! < gaaaaaaaasssp!!>

NOPE! Not gunna do it. I will NOT enter that obsession of…

*going crazy googling pregnant symptoms like “boob tenderness, nausea, metal taste in my mouth (which btw still freaks me out!), dizziness, fatigue, etc. & then rushing home to see if I feel any of these!

* going through forums and reading each post and wondering “OMG.. why don’t I have that?!!?” or “Heyyyyyy… how come MY DR didn’t do THAT!?!?” At one point I even asked a question to someone and I realized AFTER I asked … that the post was made 2 years ago! Seriously Diana!?!? WHY ARE U READING POSTS FROM 2 YEARS AGO?!?!

:: deep breath::

AHHHHHH… I’m scared of cramps though!!! Now THAT freaks me out. Those never ending annoying cramps!!

I KNOW I will wonder and I KNOW I will worry at some point with these 2 weeks… but I have to stay confident. I’m not even going to think right now or mention.. “if this doesn’t work then….” No… I won’t go to that point yet. I have 2 weeks. 2 weeks to live life. 2 weeks to continue to pray and continue to have faith. I know God is hearing me. I know he’s going to work his magic soon. I FEEL IT.

Please God, let this be MY MIRACLE.

Thank you everyone for the warm wishes. I truly think that you all help me calm down and relax. There’s some of you that have gotten their positive’s already and it’s such a joy to read about it. It let’s me know that there IS hope out there and it encourages me to stay strong.

I know… OUR TIME IS COMING.

Big hugs everyone!! I'm off to do some googling... NOTTTTTTT!!!!!! Had yall there for a second huh? =)

:: steps away from the computer:: ok no... I gotta finish this post first! =)

I've got my fingers, toes and every single body part crossed at this moment. Have a great day everyone!

*note: I totally think there should be some sort of magician scientist that can invent some type of booth where we can walk in and there’s like a laser that scans you. And then it beeps for you to get out. Diiiiiing! And then you wait 2 MIN.. not 2 WEEKS! And your report comes out “Congrats it worked!” … or the evil one … “sorry… try again!” How cool would that be?!?!? Mr. Inventor.. where are you?!?!

Just keep growing.. just keep growing.. just keep growing growing growing...

2011-08-22T19:20:00.000-05:00

So I had my follicular US today.

Aaaaaaaand...

I have 4 good follies!!! The nurse was very impressed with the size. I have 2 on my right side, both at 16 mm. And then I have 2 on the left side, one measures 17mm and the other 18 mm. I don't know if you remember last time... they were only about 13 last time when I went to do the US follicular for IUI #2. So this is pretty good! RIIIIIIIIGHT?!?!

So what's next? My nurse told me to go ahead and do the Ovidrel shot tonight and go back Wed to do IUI #3.

I'm nervous to give myself the shot tonight. Eeeeeeeek! I watched the video and it seems pretty easy. But then the crazy Diana comes out and I started thinking "ummm what if I poke the wrong part or do it too high or too low on the side of my stomach??! What if I inject it in my FAT and it gets stuck in there and doesn't go to my ovaries and then I'm screwed!?!?!"

Lol.. if u know me, you KNOW that all this crossed my mind!

Nah... I'm gunna take a deep breath and just let it be. I told Ernest that this cycle, I feel so much different and calm. I have actually been working out EVERY DAY.. yes folks..I used WORKING OUT & EVERY DAY in the same sentence. Since I got my BFN, I changed my eating habits (hmmm I still cheat a little...shhh! ) and I have been pushing myself to do my elliptical machine. (the towels that hung on there before can't have all the fun now!) And let me tell ya.. I feel amazing! I feel healthier. Powerful. Enriched with life. It's like I don't think about the "what if's" anymore. I sweat it out and just let it be.

So that's all friends... the latest on my crazy journey. Oh! And the nurse mentioned something about the possibility of multiples increasing. Uhhhh.. SAY WHAAAAAAAAT?!?! Then she changed the subject. So I'm not sure what that was all about. If I had multiples... o-em-g!

Anywho... wish me luck (AGAIN) for Wed!!!!! I'm so excited... and I'm ready!! I feel like I should show up to my appt with like boxing gloves and some boxer shorts and make my entrance like ROCKY!! Come on IUI.. BRING IT!!! I'M READY FOR YA!!

xoxo

Don't ask me what I'll wish for...

2011-08-19T13:57:00.002-05:00

Happy Friday friends.. Hope yall are having a fantastic day. Well me.. I’m having a semi craptastic day! Why u ask?? Welllll….. (Yup.. it’s gunna be one of THOSE posts)

So grab a snack, pull up a chair and get ready for my venting.

I’ll wait. < long pause>

Ready? Ok so … it all started with a TEXT between myself and our mutual friend (M)

M: party for your bday or what?

Me: uh of course! I’m sending out the evite soon. It’s the big 3-0 bday so gotta make it good!

Here’s the kicker….

M: 30?!?! Daaaaang girl, ur getting old! U need to produce soon. u aint getting any younger! Lol. is everything ok?

:: heart dropping::

Me: uh.. yup. Ok well gotta go to a meeting. Ttyl.

No meeting of course but I just couldn’t sit thru it anymore. And I was afraid what was coming afterwards.

Now I know what you’re thinking.. WHAT A DOUCHE!!! WTF?!?!?! HOW DARE HE?? FORGET HIM!! UNINVITE HIM!

Before you go on and cuss the person out (ok ok.. go ahead.. do it. I’ll give you time) I have to say that this person is a friend of ours. Him and his wife are fun people who love to have a good time (w 3 kids of their own..yea yea) but anyway, they mean no harm. And they aren’t THAT good of friends to where we have told them about our struggle. So I can’t be 100% upset with this comment and turn into The Hulk and backlash at him.

HOWEVERRRRRRRR… it REEEEALLLY made me sad and bothers me to where I had to go to the bathroom and cry. The kind of cry where your eyeballs just fill up with tears and yet they don't fall down your face. They just accumulate right there like a big puddle.

First …. who the hell tells someone to “PRODUCE”.. wtf.. I HATE that term! I’m not PRODUCING a child. I may get PREGNANT.. but don’t tell me to PRODUCE!

Second… who the hell has the right to ask, is everything ok? ummm.. like I’m gunna tell you over TEXT?!!? Seriously?!?! “ohhhhh glad you asked. No, not everything is ok. We can’t have kids. No sperm. My eggs can’t latch to the donor ones. We have failed 2 IUI’S and on to the third. And in between all this, lots of tears and hard times! The end! So how are u and the kids doing??” UHHH.. yea right!!

Third: don’t tell a woman she’s getting old !! I’m FABULOUS dammit!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

I can just forget this and move on… Suuuuuure I can. I can just ignore his little ignorant comment. But it still hurts.

It makes me realize that people do NOT always THINK what they’re saying before they actually come out and say it! no seriously, some people just don’t think that whatever they may say, could potentially hurt that person and offend them. One thing I have learned from IF is that whenever or IF I EVER come across someone who has no kids.. I would NEVER EVER EVER EVER put them on the spot and say “heyyy so when are you gunna have kids? You don’t want any yet?” Cuz really.. THEY could be going through IF as well. I don’t know that! I could hurt them inside. And I DON’T WANT TO DO THAT! how awful!

It just amazes me that life can be so cruel in little ways and throw knives at you at a time, and you just have to learn how to dodge them.

I just think.. I AM TURNING 30. Ok.. YES.. I know 30 is still ‘young’ and there are so many women older than that who will laugh and say “GIRLFRIEEEEEND… WHAT I WOULD GIVE TO BE 30 AGAIN?” I get it. Believe me. And I’m not trying to belittle anyone out there. I’m just speaking from what I’M FEELING. And I’m feeling OLD! I feel old because once someone turns 30.. oh mannnn.. “its all downhill from here” You get the jokes, the looks, etc. But honestly, I don’t feel it. I feel young and it’s probably because I have no kids who can wear me down and all that stuff. I feel like I can take over the world. But the fact that I’m still 30… THE NUMBER, kills me. How could life be so unfair to us? Time is flying by and we are STILL struggling to get our ONE dream.

WHY? WHY?? WHY?????

And here my birthday is coming up and I know that people will be looking at me as I make a wish and blow out the candles. Tradition says you can’t reveal your birthday wish or it won’t come true. So for the past 2 years, I’ve wished for, prayed for, and even asked Santa & the Easter Bunny… for a child! Well I’m sure THOSE that know about my struggle.. know that I’m wishing for my baby. So is that the key?!?! Is that why my wish isn’t coming true?!?! Because THEY know! Hmmmm.

Will 30 be MY YEAR?? Will this 3^rd IUI be my magical one?? maybe 3 will be my lucky number. I did find 3 pennies in my pocket. Could this be a sign of luck or just me being broke!!! Lol.

I don’t know.. It just sucks! This text threw me off. I am going through different emotions and I’m scared of what is going to happen. If we fail once again, how will I be able to enjoy my birthday with my loved ones? How will I be able to hold up a smile and pretend I’m having a great time when in fact, I’m hurting inside?

I continue to put my faith in God and know that each day that passes, I will be closer to meeting my little one. I just wish I knew WHEN I’m going to meet him/her. The good thing is that now it feels closer to SOONER than LATER. =)

All I know is that in 3 weeks, I’m wishing for something else! No one will know what it is… I will not reveal it dammit. So don’t ask me! lol.. I want it to come true. Ok...I want all my wishes to come true. I remember once wishing for a good guy to meet in my life. And actually THAT wish doubled to meeting not only a good one but a GREAT GUY. My husband is by far one of the best wishes ever to come true. =) So I know wishes do come true. I just gotta be patient. =) and patient.. I shall be.

Much love everyone. Hope everyone has a great weekend.

::deleting M’s text::

Yall make me happy...

2011-08-18T14:20:00.000-05:00

This is a quick post just to let you all know that I appreciate you. Thank you for taking the time to read my posts and for giving me input. What an amazing feeling I get when I read yall’s sweet comments!!! It feels soooo comforting knowing that I am not alone in this journey and that although we are in different places, we are all in this together in hoping to create a special little one. Whether it be trying naturally, using a donor, doing IVF, through adoption, through a surrogate mother… it all ends up being that we YEARN to become a mother one day.

I can’t tell you how I sometimes breathe out a sigh of relief when I read yalls words. It makes me feel LESS CRAZY.. (is that possible?? Lol) I know you all are truly special people who I greatly admire and find so inspirational.

Seriously, is it just me or do the days become all jumbled together at times and it’s hard to keep up with what day it is. I swear.. it feels like JUST yesterday that I was getting ready to do IUI #1.. ugh.. time flies!

Update: I haven’t had anymore of that discharge I mentioned last time (lol.. cuz I know that’s what yall wanted to know,, right?? ) So I’m gunna go ahead and just take a deep breath, follow the rules and start testing for a positive surge on Saturday. Eeeeeek.

Fingers crossed this is my magical month! Please please please… !! I’ve been a good girl!! =)

I think I need a nap now. =) Hope everyone is enjoying this day…

Much love,

I don't want to miss it..... ahhhhhhh!!

2011-08-16T21:27:00.001-05:00

Ok so last night I had a crazy dream! I dreamt that I missed my ovulation time and when I went to my follicular US, the nurse said "sorry dear... it's too late. You must've ovulated already because you have nothing. Therefore, we can't do anything at this time. But we have an opening in Nov if you'd like." And proceeded to smile and ask "is there anything else I could do for you??"

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?!

Talk about waking up with anxiety! sheeeeeesh!

So my question is: (and pleeeeeeeease pardon for the silliness cuz this is only my 3rd time taking Clomid) ...Can someone ovulate BEFORE or SAME DAY u take the last Clomid pill? (Tomorrow is the last day I take it then I 'm supposed to start testing on Saturday for a positive surge) I didn't want to stress over Mr.Google and find 1,000 different answers so I just wanted to ask here!

TMI alert: I have some white discharge going on (not much) but I'm concerned if this is a sign of ovulation. eeeek! Or is this possibly because of the increase of the dosage now that I'm taking 100mg. Will 100 mg make me ovulate faster?

I should definitely start testing Saturday (Day 12) and NOT sweat this huh?? I have become a worry wart. Great... juuuuuust great!!!

I was doing sooooo well with being positive and keeping myself busy until I had this bizarre dream!! I knew I shouldn't have drank sweet tea before bed! ha!

Btw.... we ordered our "swimmers" today so they will arrive at the Dr's office on Friday before 5pm! Thats another thingggggggggg!!! WHAT IF I SURGE BEFORE!?!?! I hope I don't surge over the weekend because the "on call" people just make me nervous! I feel like they don't know what they're doing and it feels so wierd walking into the office all quiet, lonely and some strange ON CALL Dr does the procedure. Omg.. so many thoughts..

breathe in Diana.. breathe out Diana.. repeat...

Ok .. I need to stop. Stay away from me positive surge! At least til Monday.. pleeeeeease!

Thank you for reading and any comfort words will be greatly appreciated. Feel free to tell me that I am just some insane crazy woman who needs to be slapped a time or two. =)

This is what IF does to you.. make you crazy with counting calendar days and timing everything "perfect".. <insert throwing a temper tantrum here!>

Need a good read?

2011-08-15T13:13:00.001-05:00

Hey everyone! I’ve been MIA for a few days. But I’m back! I wanted to share with yall this link. It’s called “999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility”.

Wait.. Laugh?? Really.. u expect me to FIND HUMOR in this?!?! <sigh!> But after reading a few posts, I found myself agreeing with a lot of things and just nodding my head! I could literally spend hrs reading these reasons to laugh at IF.

Here’s todays post:

Reason #652 Mark Zuckerberg is not an infertile

As if FertileBook Facebook is not bad enough.
The social networking site announced this week that they now have an “I’m expecting” option. In the Family section, users now have the option to announce their due date, the baby’s sex and name. So instead of just seeing your friend’s ultrasound and belly shots, they can now click the “I’m expecting” button (which automatically makes an infertile cry).
Mark Zuckerberg – live in the real world! Here are some other fertility related buttons you should add:
1) “I just got my period and I’m crying on the toilet” button
2) “My transvaginal wand appointment really sucked this morning” button
3) “We’re having timed intercourse tonight so don’t call us” button
4) “My embryo retrieval was a lot of fun” button
5) “I’m not pregnant yet so stop asking” button
6) “I don’t want your fertility advice” button
7) I just stuck a fertility needle in my ass” button
8 ) “I got drunk after my D&C appointment” button
9) “I’m not expecting but can I steal your baby?” button
10) “I pretend I’m not jealous of pregnant women but I really am” button
11) My basal temperature just decreased and I want to shoot myself” button
12) “I cried at a baby shower” button
13) “I am missing a fallopian tube” button
14) “I check the toilet paper 400 times a day” button
15) “Is it a pregnancy symptom if my right breast feels more swollen than my left” button
16) “I have fertility drugs in my fridge, right next to last night’s lasagna” button
17) ” I glared at a pregnant woman’s belly this morning” button
18) “I elevate my legs for 30 minutes, following intercourse” button
19) “I cried in a McDonald’s bathroom when I found out my cousin was pregnant” button
20) “Can I have your baby?” button
Clearly, Mark Zuckerberg is not an infertile. DISLIKE!

---- hehe. Couldn't agree more!!!

So if you're like me, who SOMETIMES needs to find some good reads on infertility, I highly recommend this site if you haven't done so yet. =) You will find yourself slapping your knee and agreeing with EVERYTHING! lol.

Check them out HERE

Hope everyone enjoyed yalls weekend and having a great Monday. I will be catching up on my blog reading tonight! I know I've missed quite a few posts. =)

xoxo!

Hang on tiiiiiiiiight.....

2011-08-11T12:50:00.003-05:00

Thank you everyone for the support and the kind words on my “cloudy” post. It was such a hard/ sad day for me. I seriously feel like this whole infertility journey is some sort of horrific rollercoaster ride. Only instead of it being a jolly amusement park, it’s a rather crazy park with those trick mirrors all around and you just can’t seem to find your way out without going insane, kicking & screaming cuz you hit a “dead end”! Oh and not to mention.. the food stands at this “park” is nothing but instant fattening foods that magically make you gain weight because you are THAT stressed about INFERTILITYYYYYYY. Whaaaaaaa!! How did that gut get there?!?! Must…get….out..of…this...place!

SEASON PASS anyone?? ummm.. no! I want out of this “amusement” park!

:: inhale/ exhale slowly::

Ok much better. So yes… today is another day. Time to either sit around and mope .. or… get up and do something about it and go on with your life. I choose to face this challenge (Again) And I will face it with even more determination and positivity. I will win at the end. I will come out succeeding one way or another. How? I have no idea! Lol. Well with determination of course! And the continued support I get from home. I’m turning the big 3-0 next month. And you know what… I am OK with that! I may not be the super model (close but not quite.. LOL.. im kidding!! pffftt.. I couldn’t even say this with a straight face! haha ) but I feel great! I don’t feel 30. I have sooooo much to live for and I’m ready. We will be celebrating at a fun place with music, drinks, food, & laughter. Surrounding myself with my family & all my close friends is EXACTLY how I want to celebrate God giving me another year. It’s going to be great and I am going to LOVE it. 30 is going to be a great year for me. I can ALREADY tell. Anybody wanna come to Texas and celebrate with me???? I’ll add you to the party guest list! hehe.. I’m putting on my “game face” and taking over this month just in time for my bday. Ahhhhh.. this is my month dammit. By my calculations.. (yes I have sat in front of the calendar) I should probably find out if IUI #3 worked or not right before my bday. Okayyyyy the pressure! I’m hoping for the best but at the same time, I know I have to be realistic and know that things may not be on my court just yet. Howeverrrrr, I am going to give my best this month. I need to focus focus focus!!! Stress free. Work out. Meditate. Eat healthy. Drink water. Love myself. Do I expect miracles? Nope. I just want to know that when I walk out of that IUI room next time, I will leave knowing that I gave it my all and I’m ready for another time. God gives me time. I may have been upset with him but I need to realize all the other blessings He gives me each day. One being: I wake up each day. That alone is a huuuuge blessing.

Yes this IUI wasn’t successful but maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. Maybe it would’ve turned into a miscarriage later on. Which I know that would be even more devastating. For now, I will continue to ask Him for strength so that I may never lose focus and face each day with a new positive outlook. So many of you out there are going through infertility also and I pray for you all as well. So that you are given the strength also and the right guidance towards our ultimate goal… WANTING A PRECIOUS BABY! I’m hoping yall get that BFP soon!! And others are on the road to success!!! I am so happy for you all and I know that it has been quite a journey for you as well.

I feel that this roller coaster will come to a stop soon and I will HAPPILY exit to the right hand side, take my souvenirs & run towards the park’s exit as fast as my legs can take me. Until then, I’ll just remain seated as instructed and somewhat “enjoy” (if that’s what you want to call it) the ride. Not much you can enjoy about infertility but you get my drift.

Huge hugs to everyone and Hope you all have a wonderful weekend! Until next time my friends…

Much love!

Ps. My nurse just called me… they’re bumping me up to 100mg clomid instead of 50mg & I start that Saturday. Hmmmm…. is this bettttter?!?

Get me off this thiiiiiiiiing!!!!

ohhh how I needed this...

2011-08-10T15:25:00.002-05:00

Today's forecast:: Cloudy with a 100% chance of tears

2011-08-09T15:51:00.001-05:00

You know what sucks?? Pretending to put on a happy face when you reeeally don’t feel like smiling..

BFN.

Once again.

Heartbroken does NOT even begin to describe what I am feeling right now.

Anger.

Why us?

Tears.

Mascara running like you wouldn’t believe.

I want to curse at the world right now.

Helpless.

Headache.

Yup.. so I got a Big Fu*****(no, not FAT ) Negative today. And then right after that negative, the wicked witch AF decided to show her ugly face. FULL BLOWN! Laughing right in my face. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t seem to take my eyes off that test. I couldn’t get up from the stall. I was literally motionless. I finally had the strength to get up and go to my desk. I called my DH and he got quiet and said we would talk about it tonight. And that’s it.

Ugh. I know he is heartbroken like me and this was his way to not make me sad at this moment. I know he didn’t want me to break down at work. So he let me go. Tonight we will sit down and talk about what is next. I have no idea what to do now. We gotta see if we are able to get another vial and have it shipped in time. I wonder what went wrong? Maybe the Dr wants to see me. I don’t know!!! I called the nurse and left a message so hoping she returns my call today. But at the point, I am just plain SAD. No need to find another term. I am SAD.

I had gotten all the possible pregnancy signs and I felt different this cycle. It was awesome! But who am I kidding?? Those weren’t signs silly Diana. They must’ve been all in that itty bitty brain of yours. And the cramping. Well.. hey.. at least i got the cramps the WHOLE time of this 2ww. How nice of those cramps to join me the whole time. Thank you cramps. This is why I love you. You never leave my side. :: BIG TIME SARCASM HERE::

I prayed as much as I could this cycle. My DH and I laughed and shared “signs” that we would see around us. I imagined how perfect this would be if I were to see that positive. But nope. Nothing. I would lie if I said I wasn’t angry with God. I don’t want to be. But it’s just hard not to question him. And my DH tells me that we can’t blame him. And he is right. Why blame God? I know He doesn’t want bad things for us. It just wasn’t the right time. But after 3 years.. I have to ask.. when will the right time be God?? Are we even getting close?? What did we miss this time that we didn’t do?? Tell me what YOU want us to do?

My friends can’t even say anything to me. They know I’m sad. But I don’t expect them to say much. I know they are there and will support us in any way. But as far as advice, there’s really not much you can say. Especially them who have no idea what it’s like from this side of the rainbow. But it’s good to have awesome support.

Right now, I just want to curl up in bed and cry my eyes out because I’m not only hurting from my heart. But I’m also cramping and literally drained. Ugh. How horrible. To get a BFN and then bammmm.. get AF too. Well at least I’ll kill two birds with one stone huh? Let’s get the waterworks over with. I want to go home and be with my husband and cry. Cry. Maybe eat. Cry some more. Talk about our next step. Cry. And then maybe sleep.

I hope that God gives me strength through this. I hope he allows me to go again with another IUI and that the cramping will NOT throw me off AGAIN. (How can someone go through cramping the whole 2ww and then now. That’s just wrong!) I hope I don’t drive my husband insane from me being sensitive. I feel so bad because I have literally gone through so many emotions these past few days and he just shrugs his shoulders and says “mooooood swings!” hehe… please give me strength God so that I may not go off on him. We are supposed to go out of town this weekend. (a quick road trip) And I am reeeeeally not up for it. But I know I have to go and accompany him. It’s only a day anyway. Maybe I can get wasted and hope all this is a nightmare, huh? blahhhhhh.. I can’t even think about drinking or celebrating anything right now.

I am also going to go into FB detox. I have already deleted my FB app. And do NOT plan on getting on FB for a while. I may return next week. Who knows. But it’s just too painful right now. So many pregnancies, countdowns, pictures and statuses. Yes I can hide them. Why not just not access FB at all? It can become a "mad house" at times anyway. Plus all my friends text me anyway so I’ll be bugging them that way. I used to text all the time. Now it’s all about FB. And talking to them from there. Weird! So I’ll go back to texting. Good ol texting.

I’m drawing a blank on what else to write. Which is insane because my mind is going a thousand directions but I think I’ve said pretty much everything.

Here’s a summary:

Infertility sucks.

It sucks.

Hoping for guidance and strength on our upcoming step. I know most of you may say “heyyyyy maybe 3^rd time is the charm??” blehhhh… I really don't like that phrase. Why did it have to be a 3^rd time?? Why not the first time??? huh?

Anywho.. hope everyone’s day is going better than mine. =’(

And to my love (my #1 fan of my blog): I love you soooooo much Ernest. Is it possible to fall in love with you more and more each day? Yes. I thank God every day that you came into my life. Don’t ever feel like you let me down. Because you don’t. You are my inspiration and I know that when I see you tonight, you will provide me that amazing strength you have and make me see things in a whole new light. Thank you for being such a true husband and I know that ONE DAY SOON, you will be the most amazing father in the whole universe. I love you dearly.

XOXO

Drumroll please.... & the winner is....

2011-08-05T21:54:00.000-05:00

AJ @ Rainbow Making 101 !!! her blog

Woohoo!! Congrats AJ! You are the lucky winner of my first giveaway. =) Thank you EVERYONE who participated! I really enjoyed reading your answers and I can't thank you enough for the amazing support I get from all of you. I hope I am somewhat inspirational to yall as you are to me. :) Seriously, when I feel down, I come to the blog world and I read everyones stories and comments and they comfort me. Some have gotten their BFP's (yay!!) and some not YET.. but we WILL... ONE DAY!! right ladies??? =)

There were 17 of you who officially entered. I couldn't copy it like I wanted. So I did it the old fashion way and it came out all crazy looking like this.. oh well.. Just wanted yall to see for yourselves... =)

Random.org:
True Random Number Generator Min: Max: Result: 13

Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend. As for me... I am STILL cramping <eyes rolling>  & STILL going craaaaaazy. I am trying to keep busy. Tomorrow my living room is getting a makeover!! Our friend is going to come paint my walls and my computer room. I'm so excited!! Change it up a bit. I'm going with a turquoise accent wall in the living room and then the computer room will be a lighter shade. Ahhhh.. which means... getting new decorative pillows, picture frames, flowers!!! Ahhhhh... TARGET.. here I come!!! hehe.. Love me some Target. =)

Anywho, thinking of you all, as always. *Positive thoughts.. positive thoughts!!
    <insert stomach turning here>

Congrats again, AJ for the win. Hope you enjoy the book!! (btw... could you email me your address so that I could mail it out to you tomorrow... =)    dxmancil@gmail.com  Thanks!

Goodnight everyone... Xoxo!

Reminder: Giveaway this Friday!!

2011-08-03T09:09:00.000-05:00

Have you entered my book giveaway yet?!? Don’t forget the drawing is this Friday, Aug 5^th!

Click HEREto see how to enter!

By the way: I’m loving yall’s answers. There are so many words to describe infertility that it makes it hard to just pick one, right? One day you may feel “grateful” and the next day you may feel “hatred” towards it. <sigh!>

Quick comments on yalls answers:

Your own reality show… lol.. I would definitely watch yall !!

wedding shows/ home shows.. love it! it makes me wanna get married again and again and again and then fix my house all fancy!! House projects… they never seem to finish huh?

America’s Top Model- Tyra says…“smize with ur eyes!!!” (they pick some pretty odd girls for that show... I could totally win! Ha!)

Keeping Up With The Kardashians- I totally wouldn’t mind being their bff! They seem fun!

Big Brother… omg! I love that show!! I am sooo Team Jeff/ Jordan.. !! Someone get Rachel out plz!

American Idol… if I could remember lyrics, I would so win! <yea right!> Lol.. (I’m horrible at remembering song lyrics!! )

Master Chef… eh.. I don’t wanna be a master chef! Lol. How about just FIND ME A CHEF? Heyyy that’s a great idea! And while you’re at it.. send me a HOUSEKEEPER as well. =)

Amazing Race.. LOVE !!! It gets very intense! I think I get panic attacks during the show!
Survivor.. Not too sure how I feel about being out on an island... eeeekk!! However.. Jeff Probst is HOT!! So maybe I willl survive! lol

Biggest Loser… ahhhhhh sign me up!!!!! I need it now!!

“Hi my name is Diana and I am a reality tv junkie…” --- can you tell??? hahaha

Anywho… if you haven’t yet… GO REGISTER TO WIN!!! It’ll be fun!! =)

Have a great day !
xoxo...

Cramps... Just wanted you to know I really dislike you.

2011-08-01T09:52:00.000-05:00

Anyone who says the 2ww is a piece of cake.. is the world’s biggest liar!! Hehe.. ok maybe not to THAT extreme. But it is quite ______!! (I’ll let YOU fill in the bank here!) They don’t call it the “crazies” for nothing. I am only 5dpIUI and I don’t know how I will do it for the next 9. Just reading this makes me smirk. Seriously, any other person would be like “pfffttt…. You ONLY have 9 more days to wait. What’s the big deal? Calm down.”

Ahhhhhhhhh…

Well I’ve been trying to stay positive since my IUI. I have prayed and prayed and prayed like you can’t imagine. I’ve even cried a few tears just so that I may be given the strength and faith to think positive. That’s what I’ve been praying for more than anything… STRENGTH. I’m going to need all the strength these next few days. I already know it.

Pregnancy signs?? Uhhh nope. Not here. The ONLY thing I am experiencing here is cramps. Ok yes I know what you’re going to say… cramps can be a sign of “implantation”. But it’s just really annoying that I have had them since I left last Wednesday and every day, it’s like haunting me. I know my own body and when AF is supposed to make her way soon or in the next weeks, I get these same cramps! I catch myself feeling my boobs & observing them nonstop! Why won’t they hurt?!?! Why can’t they be sore?!?! Why can’t my nipples be sensitive or I see the blue veins around my boobs!?! (yes ladies, this is what happens when I google signs. I learn about boobs and how they will look ) Why can’t I get nauseas?!?! I swear I have like a steel stomach (no not a 6 pack.. not THAT kind of steel.. unfortunately.. lol) But nothing is making me queasy. I would LOVE to wake up to throwing up. Whaaaaaaat!?!? Who says that?!!? Who wants to throw up??

I DO!!

Maybe I can trigger the pregnancy signs. That would be awesome!

I even go around smelling things to see if they “smell” different to me. Or if I feel “sea sick.” Nope.

I check for increased CM. Nope.

Do I have a metal taste in my mouth? (this one kinda scares me to be honest with u.) Nope.

Do I feel like I’m getting a cold? Stuffy nose? Nope.

Am I sleepy all the time? Nope. Wait.. ok yes I am!! I can fall asleep in a heartbeat. But that’s become normal to me.

Ok you get my point.. nothing. Just pure cramps. I hate cramps. And not because they are painful! They really aren’t. I don’t even take medicine for it. It’s not unbearable. I just hate the fact that they are there in my life. I want to be cramp free. I guess because for the past 3 years, I have literally been traumatized each time I get cramps, because it’s another sign that SHE is coming and no BFP that month. Ugh. Do I make sense?

I guess what I’m trying to say is … where u at pregnancy signs?!?!

<sigh>

Other than that.. I had a great, busy weekend. lol

How was yall’s weekend? What did yall do?

Part 2 of 2: Giveaway!

2011-07-27T21:58:00.005-05:00

Ok ladies.. guess what!?!?

IT’S GIVEAWAY TIIIIIIIIME!! My first one!!!

... and the crowd goes wild....< cheering and clapping> yeaaaaaaahhhhh, woohooooo, yayyyyyy!!!!

I’ve been meaning to do one of these for a while now but haven’t gotten around to it. I can’t believe I am only 14 spots away from hitting the 100 followers mark. Wow ! When I started blogging, I swear I was only going to have like 5 followers. But look at it now… it’s a pretty cool feeling. Even though I don’t hear from all of the 86 (where u at 86 peeps?!?! Hehe..jk) I just feel honored to have my journey read by people who may or may not be going through what I am. I will offer you my “words of wisdom” and provide you a VIRTUAL shoulder to cry on. I do my best to leave as much support as possible. Thank you, thank you, thank you for those who have followed my crazy insane IF journey and provide me with such words of wisdom. You have no idea how much of a help you are. I could’ve possibly gone into the "loony house" already but since I started blogging back in May, this place has helped me release some stress.

Ok ok enough with the talking Diana.. get to the point… This isn’t the Academy Awards!! They wanna hear the fabulous giveaway !!!!

Ready… Ta-daaa…

The author is : Kristine Ireland Waits and she wrote this book about infertility issues she had to face and her journey. I ordered a book for me and ordered an extra for one of you lucky ladies!! Click here ----> sample if you would like to read a part of the book and about the author. It has gotten great reviews and I can't wait to read it!

Ok so the rules are:

1.You must be a follower… simple as that.

2.I believe in being fair… so with that being said, I will only accept entries to those who have left me at least one comment in the past. Or just knows about me.(don't worry I'm not really going to go back to my comments and count.. hehe) I just feel that if someone is randomly going to stop by and see there’s a giveaway and think “heyyyy sign me up!” … that’s not really fair to others who actually sit through my boring writing! Lol. Does that make sense? That’s pretty fair right?? (please.. no hate mail)

3. Leave me a comment (as a way of your entry) describing IF in ONE WORD. Also.. (random question that I just have to know)… If you could be on a REALITY TV SHOW.. which show would you pick?

Deadline for this giveaway is: Aug 5^th. And I will get my DH to use random.org to help pick a random winner. I’ll even take a pic of the number selected and post along with the winner… see, told ya I’d play fair.

Yay.. So there it is.. my FIRST giveaway.. So please don’t forget to enter before Aug 5th!!! I can’t wait to hear your responses!!

What would be MY responses?? Glad you asked!

Describe IF in one word: ugh.. JUST one?!?! ok.. I say... PAINFUL

Reality show: Dancing with the stars! I want to look sexy and learn how to dance like that! oh and dance with Max or Mark B.... =) ooooo la la.

Your turn!! & Good luck... =)

Part 1 of 2: IUI #2 update

2011-07-27T21:58:00.000-05:00

Thank you everyone for the well wishes on yesterdays post. It was really sweet to read all of them and made me feel so nice and warm inside. Awwww.. big hug to each and everyone. =)

Well the IUI today went well. The whole procedure was similiar to last time. Waited for them to thaw the swimmers then head on back and get the party started. The Dr was impressed with the numbers this time. Not quite sure how to interpet it or what is normal but: Total motile sperm was at 12 million whereas last time it was at 10 mil. Sperm count was 56 million. He said they were all good numbers so I'll take his word for it.

Not sure if I had mentioned this, but my DH has been working out of town this week and last week. It's a city outside of ours, like 2 hrs away. Well he came to my appt. The minute I saw him, I gave him the biggest hug in the world and felt sooooo happy to see him. I felt like I hadn't seen him in months. But he just left Monday. lol. Well I was glad he was able to be there to hold my hand. He then drove back to the country to drop off some material but next thing I knew, he came back to our house because he said he wanted to take care of me tonight and be with me. <3 and the husband of the year goes to... hehe.. he's pretty amazing. =)

So that's pretty much it. I am feeling a little cramps but not too bad. I left there with a positive attitude. I feel great. I will continue to think positive and hope for the best. Life goes on. And I'm ok. To keep myself busy, I have plenty of things to do. I will start on my crafts/projects, paint my walls, frame some pictures, go for walks, STUDY, love my family, and hang out with friends. How cool is that??? =)

I shall raise my bottle water and do a toast...
"To the swimmers... may you find a comfort home in my uterus and magically help create a magical bean. Stick w me swimmers. Please do not leave me. I love you remember. Don't doubt it for one bit."

And the 2ww starts.... now.....

"Ask and you shall receive"

2011-07-26T16:11:00.002-05:00

I asked for it.. I got it! (The positive surge that is) oh smiley face... Thank u for showing your face. Looks like IUI #2 will happen tomorrow morning.

"Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take a hold of it with the handle of anxiety or the handle of faith." - Henry Ward Beecher

With this being said... I choose to grab on tight to the FAITH handle :)

I need another dosage of STRENGTH, HOPE AND FAITH plz...

2011-07-25T11:16:00.002-05:00

I’m literally having another melt down and… and I HATE it.

So my appointment yesterday went ok. They did a follicular ultrasound and drew out MORE blood. I swear... I feel like my blood is just all over! Anyway… so first of all, we go on a Sunday and there’s no one at the clinic. It felt really weird and lonely. Just the nurse (who knows nothing of my case) and the lab lady. So I’m lying there and she does my US and I can’t help but wonder… “why am I here? She doesn’t know me? I have questions!!” so that was done in less than 5 min and she goes “ok well they’ll call you later today with results?” ---- silence.

As I walk away, I felt a sense of sadness. I don’t know why. I just did. I just wanted to go home and take a nap. Ernest and I went on with our normal Sunday and went to have breakfast and run a few errands. Then the nurse calls me. At this point, I’m nervous inside and then she starts telling me numbers. Ok first of all, I’ve NEVER had a follicular US done before or have even had my follicles checked. I don’t even know what a normal follicle would look like or what size is normal?

She tells me my estradiol level is 322. And that I have 3 follicles. The right side are both 11 mm and the left side has one at 13 mm. In other words my follies are immature and I haven’t ovulated yet. No IUI procedure yet. I have no idea what my estradiol level should be at?!? Or what do I do to increase my follie size. She said that the ideal size is 17 mm. And that I should continue to check my ovulation using the OPK until Wed and see if I indeed ovulate. If not we may need to increase the dosage for Clomid and wait until next month. Since my follies aren’t mature yet, she didn’t recommend I use the Ovidrel injection yet.

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME?!?!

I am beyond lost and full of emotions right now. It’s just irritating that now I have to worry about producing “good” follies or else there goes another chance. So many thoughts going through my mind!!

Do I really want to do it this month? What if it’s a “sign”?

Maybe I should wait til next month and have them increase my Clomid level? Maybe that’ll help produce “better sizes”?

What if I go with it this month and the follies aren’t really big enough and basically have awful timing AGAIN on the procedure?

What if ... what if... what if?!?!

Why is this happening to us!?!?

Not to mention the financial aspect. Those vials aren’t cheap! And I am constantly thinking of how much we have spent on infertility. And it just blows me away! How is possible that wanting to have a baby sooooooo bad in your life, that it costs so damn much?!?! How is that fair?? When others could care less and pop those kids left and right. And yet, seem to get ALL the FREE help that they can. Not one worry in their world. WTF?!?!

My husband sees that I get sad and sometimes I don’t feel good telling him my emotions because I don’t want him to think “ughhh.. are u sad AGAAAIN?!!?” He has got to be one of the strongest human beings I know. He doesn’t let things get to him. He may be tearing up inside but on the outside, he is strong. He comforts me and does reassure me that OUR TIME is coming. But I don’t want to have him go through that every month!!! I feel so bad!! I don’t want him to start hating me or having to go through this every single month. I don’t do this on purpose. I want to be strong like him.

It’s been 3 years of us going through this. 3 years of negative signs. 3 years of hope. 3 years of challenges. 3 years of tears. You would think it would get easier on me, but in reality, it’s not. Especially when everyone around you are having kids and enjoying their pregnancy to the fullest. When will I get there? When will I get to “plan” for the baby? When will I get those 2 lines?

I feel like the “jealousy” and “resentment” has gotten to me. My friends and family are getting pregnant and it’s killing me inside. I have no idea how to deal with this anymore. One of Ernest’s cousin is going to have a baby shower soon and I know she’s going to invite me. And quite frankly, I don’t want to go. How can I want to be in a room when not only she will be there but HIS pregnant sister too… in the same room! I can’t put on that “happy” face while they just run around being somewhat “fake”. I never got jealous of my sister when she was pregnant because she ALWAYS made me feel so warm and she had compassion with my situation. She knew what I was going through and she never really “threw” it in my face or be like “ohhh the baby blah blah...” and stuff like that. Remarks like that really get under my skin. So I’ll always be grateful she was like that. But it’s others that make it really hard. Not that I need them to ask me or feel sorry for me. But I don’t know how to explain. Hmmm… Compassion people… HAVE COMPASSION. It’s so hard not to tear up. And I’m not sure if Ernest will get this. I’m happy for anyone that is bringing life into this world but I’m just sad that all this is happening IN FRONT OF ME and I just sit back and watch. I’m jealous. I resent them. And I know this feeling is horrible. I can’t be feeling this way each time someone gets pregnant. I want this feeling to go away. And I have no idea how to make it go away. I don’t want to be bitter anymore and I try... I really really do try.

… And it doesn’t help that my hubby isn’t in town this week (working out of town) Which is probably better so I can just mope around the house and try to keep myself occupied. I need a hug. I need a good cry. I just ask God for strength to keep me going through this and for giving my husband patience with me.

Sometimes I wish I could show people what it’s like in my heart. So they can see how my heart breaks for something so special that we HOPE to embrace one day. I wish they could step into my mind and see how crazy it is in there. It’s one chaotic place. But somehow, I manage to face another day with hope.

I’m sorry if I sound like a broken record and crazy for having “good days” and “bad days”. Sorry for switching gears so fast on y’all. Just one of those days.

So for now, I guess I will keep testing and see if I can get a positive surge soon and see what the Dr recommends... If I should just not do the IUI this month and wait?

Blahhhhhhh....

Thank you for reading. Sorry for being a Debbie Downer today. Hope everyone is having a better Monday than I am.

(...maybe I just need a big piece of chocolate cake)

Life is so unfair sometimes.

New design..

2011-07-23T18:08:00.002-05:00

Hey there! Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend. Well... notice anything different?? hehe.. new blog design! Isn't it cute? Nice and simple... I love it. Courtesy of Cutesie blog designs.. they did such an adorable job. Check them out here!

I felt like I'm in a point in my life where I want to change a few things and why not start off with a blog makeover! hehe.

I've also been spending lots of time organizing around my house and getting rid of alot of clutter! I can see the floor in my room now!! haha.. No really.. it was baaaaaaad!!! I have also been looking online for new designs for my living room and art work and what not. I have this accent wall in my living room that I constantly change colors. And I'm excited for the next color! Seriously, it's quite sickening how I just look up ideas for a new look and I stay up watching videos. Actually, here lately I have been reading "craft/ do it yourself" blogs and I am beyond excited to work on some projects. (My hubby may not be as excited. lol) I am far from being crafty so whenever I find cute SIMPLE ideas, I get all excited and want to TRY to do it. I'm no Martha Stewart but I will give it my best!! If any of you are following any bloggers who post "craft" ideas, please let me know so I can check them out! :)

The way I see it, it's a perfect way to keep myself busy and distracted a bit from infertility. Which by the way, I have an appointment tomorrow for an US. (I haven't hit my surge level yet... grrrrr!) So I'm hoping tomorrow's visit will tell me when in fact I will welcome swimmer's set #2.

So here it is.. my new design. Please feel free to GRAB MY NEW BUTTON!!! Not sure if the old one will work.. I'm pretty sure it will. It will all direct you to my page right? And also, if you have a blog button, let me know so I can add it to my blog roll on the right hand side.

I would type more but I need to get ready for a date I have with a bunch of hot girlfriends of mine. We are going out to eat and then going over to their house and just hanging out. Ahhhhh.. aren't friends amazing???

Anywho... hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend. ((( hugs!!)))

Lovebug...

2011-07-21T11:13:00.002-05:00

Time for a happy post from yours truly…

Last Friday my sister and BIL asked us out for dinner and at the end of the night she totally made my night. She grabbed my baby niece out of her seat and set her on the table and said, “Well guys, Nadia would like to ask y’all something. She would like to know if you two would like to be her godparents.”

_________________________________________

Quick back story: I have 2 sisters. (no brothers)

Sister #1, the oldest, is married, no kids. (unfortunately they were having infertility issues as well (me and her.. CRAZY RIGHT?!?) but I won’t go into details with her personal story.

Sister #2, the middle child, has 3 kids…my 6 yr old niece, 4 yr old nephew and then the baby who was born in March. (you can just imagine how my parents are head over heels for these kids!) =)

Sister #1 & hubby are godparents to the 6 yr old. And the 4 year old’s godparents are one of my BIL’s sisters.
_________________________________________

Ok so when she asked us to be godparents. It made me really happy inside. I honestly didn’t think she was going to ask us to baptize her. I just figured she would ask one of her close friends or someone else. But it feels great to know that they chose us. We are godparents to my cousins little girl as well. And it feels good to say that we are blessed with this honor. Sure it’s probably not a big deal to many or some may see it as “oh… you just buy them gifts.” But to me, it means a lot. I wouldn’t take that “role” for granted. The principal responsibility of a godparent is to give witness to faith and to offer guidance throughout that child’s life. When it concerns a child, we must be ready to accept the responsibility of being a part of the godchild's life for the remaining of his/her life.

So yay for us! We will be baptizing in October so I can’t wait to show y’all pictures of the cutie patootie in her traditional baptismal gown.

But for now, I’ll leave you with 3 pictures of her. Friends, meet Nadia, our god daughter to be.. <3

Look at those eyes!!! Isn't she a beauty???!? My heart melts when I see her.

Her little brother put on his "Mr Potato head" glasses on her... That's what she gets for being the younger sibling huh? They have fun with her... hahaha!

“Each time the world needs an extra touch of love and gentle caring, God creates Godparents.”

"I'll get you my pretttty.."

2011-07-19T09:49:00.001-05:00

Dear Infertility,

Don’t mess with an infertile. We’re hormonal, moody and very very determined. We WILL beat you!
┌П┐(◉_◉)┌П┐

I'll get you my prettttttyyyyy.. and your little AF too!!! :: evil laugh ::

with NO love,
Diana

Hehe.. sorry just saw this and had to post. No.. I normally don't "shoot the finger" at anyone but good golly oh mighty.. this infertility crap really gets under my skin. Anywho, hope everyone is doing great. I haven't posted but I sure am reading your blogs! I just finished day 5 of Clomid. Now waiting til Friday to start testing :: knot in my stomach::

Hugs to everyone...
Don't mess with us infertility!

Hopeful tears...

2011-07-14T21:36:00.001-05:00

Quick post... Ok no... it's most likely NOT going to be a quick post.. Once I start going, I can't stop typing! hehe.

First off, let me just say THANK YOU to everyone who commented on my last post. Thank you for your words of encourgement and well wishes. It was a bit frustrating with the whole "timing it wrong" situation but now it's time to move forward and just hope for the best. Thank you for the advice as well. ( Btw...I'm going to the store tomorrow and getting the Clear Blue ovulation kit with the smiley face... how cute. I want a smiley.)

I have been feeling pretty funky this week though. I'm sure it had to do with AF being here. And just everything piling up, but I am feeling better. I still get teary eyed but i mean seriously, what infertile person doesn't, right? It's ok to let out tears every once in a while.

Ok so the reason for my post... so living in Texas, it has NOT rained for quite a few months. Sure we get a few sprinkles here and there but not actual hard thunderstorms. Today just so happened to be one of those "drizzle" days. I got home from work and I could tell like it wanted to sprinkle. Not much but enough to tease you. Well I worked out (Yay me.. I'm slowly getting back into the habit. I love it! Sure, I pass out halfway through the dvd but I'm doing my best!) then I went to go get dinner. LOL.. ok so much for my working out huh? Hey we gotta eat! (dont ask what we ate! haha) When I was driving to go get dinner, it was "drizzling" and I was just shaking my head like "ohhh come on!! Just pour on us already! My grass needs it!" But nope.. just drizzles. Well on the way back, I'm getting closer to my house, I look up at the sky and see this...

Yup... My rainbow!! It was right there in front of me. Just glowing. The picture doesn't do it justice but it was brighter in person. I got chills when I saw this. I just wanted to stop the car and stare at it. Luckily no one was behind me & I had a chance to just stop on the side. As I looked at that rainbow I felt a sense of "peace" running through my body and I instantly wanted to cry. Only this time it wasn't sad tears, but instead... HOPEFUL TEARS.

So I am taking this as a sign to move on with this next cycle and just take a deep breath and let God handle it. I can not explain why I may have tested early last time or why the nurse didn't tell me. Or the "what if's" of ovulation testing. I don't want to do that. I want to clear my mind and just work on this cycle. I will remember this day of when I saw this rainbow and just think "maybe.. just maybe we are closer to that pot of gold we have been DREAMING/ WANTING/ YEARNING for so bad for 3 years."

Day 1 of Clomid tomorrow... I'm ready.

                   BRING IT ON!

Thank u God.. for speaking to me today..

*Some of you have been through a rough patch these past weeks and it's heart breaking. Just know that you are NOT alone in this road. Cry it out if you need to. It's ok to be sad. But don't give up. I leave you tonight with HOPEFUL TEARS and give each and every one of you a huuuuuge hug. <squuuuuuuuuuuuuueeeeeze>

This weekend my sisters kiddos are spending the night with us!! I'm SOOO excited. That alone makes my weekend amazing already. =)

Have a GREAT weekend everyone. sMiLe.

The IF Rainbow...

2011-07-13T15:50:00.002-05:00

:: clears throat ::

Today I had my first Dr appointment since my IUI was done. It was quite nerve wrecking. As I sat in the waiting area, I felt butterflies in my stomach. I felt nervous and sad all at the same time. Maybe I was afraid that the Dr was going to check me and say “ohhh no!! sorry ma’am.. but the aliens destroyed your uterus while you were asleep and there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING we can do to help you out. U are NOT going to be a mother… good day!” And then he pushes a button and I fall right into the ground in this huge black hole and never be seen again. Ahem… clearly… I have quite a crazy imagination.

Ok so as I come back to reality from this crazy thought & I’m sitting there looking around. Just glancing at the posters in the hallway/ or pamphlets in the waiting area of “happy couples” who seem to have gotten the news that they will be parents. Seriously… must you rub it in Happy Couple #1?? And what about you Happy Couple #2… with that pregnant belly of yours… pfffttt. I know at one point I gave the lady in the picture my evil eye! ---- Then my nurse greets me at the door and instantly, I have a smile on my face. I love her!! She talks to me a bit and tells me what to expect this visit and to go get lab work done. As I come back from labs, she comes back to take me to the room and tells me how it took her 5 years to get her first born. She didn’t go into detail but you could tell she was doing her best to comfort me. I’m guessing my watery eyes gave her a clue to hurry up and console me STAT! lol So she did.

The Dr came in and checked my “whoooo-ha” (I think I just wanted to say this) and said there was nothing concerning him as far as cysts or anything along my uterine wall. My uterus is in the clear. Woohoo… the aliens didn’t destroy it after all! He then asked me.. “So when did you say you surged the last time?” And I said… on DAY 10! Then I went on and told him of how awesome it was that I had surged soooo fast after I finished the clomid (DAY 9) and how I took the infamous picture. Well he then smiled and said… “well actually no…. You did NOT surge on day 10.”

I’m thinking, Umm but I did Dr… the proof is in the picture! I’ll show you if you want…I still have it on my phone.

Well he went on and explained to me that that’s why he said to start checking my ovulation on DAY 12… NOT earlier. To fight the feeling of wanting to check earlier. FIGHT ITTTTTT!! He explained to me how coming off of Clomid it makes the body think you have a positive surge the next day but most cases it’s false. That in reality you check a couple days after so that it gives it time for the Clomid to settle in and you create that actual positive surge. (you sneaky sneaky Clomid you! ugh) So you mean to tell me that I basically THOUGHT I had a positive surge, went it for my IUI.. about 3 days too soon?!? And then at this point I’m thinking… why didn’t the nurse tell me this when I emailed her the picture?!?!? Blehhh.. I guess what’s done, is done. I can’t get upset for the past. It’s not like I can go back and re-do the month.

Oh... and another thing I noticed was… about 4 days after my IUI, I had increased CM. Like lots of it and I thought “surely I’m still not ovulating!?!?” So that’s what it was. I was indeed ovulating but we probably did the IUI too soon.

WHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYY MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?!?!?

So what now?? I will begin taking Clomid this Friday and then NOT pull out the OPK until THE 22^nd. Can I fight the feeling of wanting to do it earlier?!?! Eeeeekkkkk..

I have an appointment on the 24^th (Sunday.. I know… weird! But they’re open.) And this is another ultrasound if I don’t ovulate by July 22-23. This will determine if I am close or if I need to take the injection. (Ovidrel)

Ta-DAAAAAAAA…

---then I live happily ever after right??

So you can imagine what thoughts are racing through my head! Yup.. WHAT IF I THINK I SURGE BUT I REALLY DON’T!?? or WHAT IF I SURGE AND I SAY “EHHH.. IT’S PROBABLY WRONG. I’LL WAIT!” This is insaaaaaaane how the body is and how it’s critical to pin point it on the right day. Omg… I never realized how LONG a month is and yet it goes by so fast! I am literally on pins and needles hoping for the best and that it all goes smoothly as far as the “timeline of an IUI” goes. I wish I could just have someone call me and be like “By the way you are officially ovulating today. Please call your Dr and make the appointment so that we can help you create your magical baby pronto. Have a wonderful day. Goodbye!”

As I came back from the appointment, I went into my work bathroom and sat there and cried. Not dramatically crying but enough to where my heart was aching. I am beyond happy that I have amazing support. I am beyond blessed that luckily, we are ABLE to do it again. But the fact that as I sit here and think of how bad INFERTILITY sucks still gets to me. It’s amazing how much stronger we have grown because of this. Our strength helps me go on another day. Our strength helps me love more. Our strength helps me realize how bad we want this.

Because that’s just it…

All we want is to strike gold at the end of that INFERTILITY rainbow…

ONE DAY.

Horrible dry hair & dry skin???

2011-07-10T21:45:00.002-05:00

Random post..random post!!!

Ok so I love love love trying new beauty products. I am a sucker for beauty stuff and if I am even told "hey.. try this.. it's amazing!" 99% of the time, I will get it. Ugh. It's quite sickening how much I "fall" for alot of stuff. Hey but that's how you find out what you like right? Trial and error!! =)

Anywho, I wanted to tell yall really quick about 2 products I LOVE !!

1. The first one is a hair product that I had heard about and finally went ahead and bought it. My hair is quite wierd! I live in Texas and when they say everything is dry... they really do mean everything is dry! Hence my hair!! Oh my gooooooodness.. my ends are beyond screaming for help! Sure I may need to trim them already.. but I feel like my hair has definately lost alot of moisture in it and it makes it look so dull, coarse and dry! Horrible! So I bought this AMAZING hair mask and let me tell ya.. it brought my hair back to life! I wanted to keep running my hands through it and my ends looked really healthy. Yay!!

I introduce to you: Macadamia Oil Products

I got the deep hair repair mask which is the one in the tub. The rest are oils and I believe a Leave In conditioner (which I will def go back and get.) Here is the website if you'd like to read about it. AMAZING HAIR

But I didn't order online.. I was able to find it at ULTA.

2. The second item is for my dry skin! Ahhhhh.. help me skin Gods please! Ok so I got this body cream, wait.. body souffle (hehe) and it leaves my skin feeling so silky soft and the scent is very light! Who doesn't want to feel silky smooth?!?!

Carol's Daughter: Ecstasy Shea Souffle

You can find this at any Sephora store

So there you have it.. my 2 wonderful product recommendatons for you ladies. Try ittttt... you'll like it! And if you don't.. feel free to mail me the unused products and I'll use them! (wait.. prob not sanitary huh? hehe.. ok.. maybe not.) =)

Anywhooooo.. Hope everyone had an amazing weekend! I'm about to jump into bed and enjoy my DVR recordings. Goodnight everyone!

xoxo!

We CAN do it!

2011-07-08T11:13:00.002-05:00

Tossing & turning.. tossing & turning…I couldn’t sleep last night. I kept thinking, “Should I?? Shouldn’t I?” And I’d try to go back to sleep but I couldn’t. So I got up around 3:30 this morning. Walked over to the kitchen table where I had left it. (ha! Thank goodness I didn’t have company these past days) And I pulled it out of the box.. the last of the HPT. (There were 2 in the box I had bought) Walked over to the restroom kind of half asleep looking like a hot mess and took it.

< about 3 min wait >

Results: still….. ONE line.

At this point, my eyes just stared at it. As if they were magically going to help that extra line show up. But I guess I don’t have that magical power. Dammit. Then my cramps started acting up again at that moment. I was really mad cuz it felt like the evil AF was laughing at me!! ugh. But I sat there, at ease. I didn’t cry. I thought I would’ve but I didn’t. I threw it out and just looked in the bathroom mirror and just gave myself a lil smile. That’s all I could do. Then I walked over to bed and fell asleep.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------So now it’s basically waiting for HER to show up, call my Dr’s office on day 1, do a scan of my ovaries then we can move on from there to the next IUI. I am ready. I have cried and been sad. And I may even get teary eyed still but now more than ever, I am motivated. I am looking forward to July and hoping for the best. I need to stay 100% positive. Not that I wasn’t 100% last time. I was… but I guess it’s just one of those things that happen. I can’t blame one thing or person in this. Plain and simple… it just didn’t work.

Last night I was catching up on some of my blog reading and I was thrilled to read one of my new followers blog. And on one post, she showed pictures of quotes that make u say “heyyyy.. that’s good!” So there was one quote in particular that I LOVED! I even printed it out and put it on my desk at work. I need to print it out on like pretty paper and do a frame for it or something so I can put it on my wall at home. (yay for house projects!) Thanks Kelly! =) to view her blog, click here!

Here it is:

Isn’t it awesome?!? So simple yet so true. I’m not going to give up on our baby dream. Why? Because that’s how bad WE want it.

I have been doing some reflecting on myself as well and I have noticed that I have really slacked off in the “exercising” department. Ugh. I used to walk and exercise at least 4 times a week. And now I don’t do that! What’s wrong with me?!?! I am by far the fittest person or ever was fit. But I could totally tell a difference from how I feel now (sluggish) to how I felt back then (energized!) So I have committed myself to do yoga/ kickboxing every day. It’s only an hr and I have that time. I literally come home during the week at 5:30 and sit my booty down and watch tv and drift off to sleep or I play with my phone all night. (I phones… how I love thee.)J No but really, I NEED to do this. I am not looking to lose dramatic weight because if this IUI is successful, then ugh.. chyeaaa.. I’m gunna be gaining weight obviously. (for good reasons that is) The point of me doing yoga is that it really does help me relax and stretch out those muscles and become more flexible. I don’t know… it just feels really good. So I will gladly pop in my workout dvd and commit myself to a healthier me! Plus I can’t go to an acupuncturist because first they scare me and second, I’m not sure how expensive they can get. I just need to move move move my body and do something. So… working out at home for FREE it is! I can do that.

All this motivation has brought me to think about Rosie the Riveter. You may not recognize the name but her poster is highly recognizable! She is the famous cultural icon who represented the American women who worked in factories during WW2. These women sometimes took entirely new jobs replacing the male workers who were in the military. She commonly used as symbol of feminism and women's economic power.Yaaaayyyy for women!!! Who said we can’t do a man’s job?!?! Hehe.

Well although we aren’t WW2 factory workers ladies… we are definitely… STRONG, COURAGEOUS, POWERFUL, WOMEN OF OUR TIME! Hats off to all of you who have had an obstacle come your way yet you find all your might to overcome it and you walk forward with your head high. And when another obstacle comes at you, go ahead- cry it out, hug it out with someone and then stand up straight the next day and move on… NEVER GIVE UP. Just like the quote said, don’t give up on something you want so badly.

WE CAN DO IT!!!!

Ok so another obsession I have is this “face in hole” app I have on my iphone. Where you basically crop in ur face onto other pictures. Ha… So I just HAD to do this one.. I actually like it better than the original.. what do you think?? Hahaha.

I AM STRONG...
& you know what?? YOU ARE STRONG TOO!!!!

Have a wonderful weekend ladies... xoxo!

Sterilize her!

2011-07-07T09:47:00.003-05:00

"I had a dream not too long ago that I was pregnant. It was like having Caylee all over again. I've thought about adopting which even sounds weird to me saying it, but there are so many children that deserve to be loved." Then she continued to write to her inmate and said, "let's make a deal? Let's get pregnant together?"

All this coming from the horrible "mother" who waited a month before reporting her child missing!!!! Are u freakin kidding me?? (child abuse,no?)

Yet WE are the ones getting those BFN's!?!?! Makes perfect sense to me.... NOT!

Blah!!!! She should NOT be allowed to reproduce... EVER!
Can I get an Ameeeeeeeeen?!?!

Sometimes in life, you come across big piles of shit...

2011-07-06T15:46:00.001-05:00

CAUTION: happy post? Nope.. not here.. this post may NOT be pretty. Proceed at your own risk.

< clears throat >

Summary: I couldn’t wait yesterday… went to the store… bought a HPT… took the damn test.. got a BFN. The end.

Feelings: WTF?!?! Yup.. I am in a “WTF” mood. I would be lying to you all if I told yall I am not devastated. I am only human and the realization of ANOTHER failure just breaks my heart. It was the saddest moment of my 2ww ever. My husband and I were sitting at the table and waiting for those 3 min to pass so that I could check the stick. As soon as I saw ONE line… I lost it. The tears just rolled down my face in full force and I wanted to throw up and scream and laugh at the same time. How the hell does that happen?!?! I was soooo convinced that I would see 2 lines. I played the HAPPINESS in my head. I played my husband’s smiling face, us hugging each other and him kissing my belly. All that I had it ready in my head. But instead… I got none of these images. Instead I got tears. And not happy tears. Sad tears. As he held me close and hugged me ever so tight, I knew right there and then that it was going to be a long night. My DH has the most gentlest, warmest hug in the world and the hug he gave me provided me with such comfort. He wiped away my tears and told me how much he loves me. He let me know that I was the most amazing woman ever to come into his life and to KNOW that this wasn’t going to be the end of things.

I actually have mixed feelings right now.

Sadness: for obvious reasons… I wanted to be pregnant. Plain and simple. But I’m not, so I am ultimately sad. My heart hurts and I’ve just been crying off and on all night/day long. I have a headache the size of Texas!! That’s how bad my head is throbbing from all the sadness.

Disbelief: because I was convinced that I was pregnant. I read online all the different “early pregnancy” symptoms and I know I experienced them all.

Headaches,dizziness, tiredness, sore boobs, nausea, constipation, cramps, lower back pains, increased appetite… yup.. all those.

But nope. All this was a joke to me. Do I believe in signs? I used to.. but I think that is changing. This is why I should stop going into the internet. I get so involved with all these stories and symptoms and I lead myself to believe every word. I even read about the possibility of it being a “false negative” and maybe I tested too early. GIVE ME A BREAK! I know how my body feels when AF shows up, and that bitch is coming. Even as I type this, my cramps have become a constant pain and its HER doing her evil little laugh.

Angry: I hate saying that I am mad at God. Because I don’t want to be mad at him. But if I had him right in front of me I would ask him “WHY?? Did I not pray hard enough?? What did I do? How did I upset you? Tell me so I can fix it so that my husband and I can have a child. We are good people.”

I am also angry at all the signs around me! It’s like I was given my BFN and yet I continue to get slapped in the face with all these pregnancy reminders! I have seen sooooo many pregnant women that it’s beyond ridiculous. And this isn’t because I work at a children’s hospital. I’m talking about outside of work. Commercials, pregnant women, babies, facebook. OMG… there are a few pregnant girls on my FB and I am seriously thinking about hiding them. Because it really is getting under my skin seeing their maternity pictures or them taking picture of their belly or their statuses saying they’re getting the baby’s room ready,etc. It’s horrible the feeling of how hard that slap feels to me. I told someone that I don’t get jealous at the women on my blog who announce their pregnancy. Why? Because it IS a miracle! It’s amazing how these strong women have finally got their dream. I know how hard it is. INFERTILITY SUCKS ASS!! I’ve been there, I’m still going through it. So I am sincerely happy for them! It’s the “other” women who know nothing of how hard it is to get pregnant that I get jealous of. Who flaunt themselves not knowing how painful it is to others. Who just create just a “PERFECT LIFE” for everyone to see and all it makes me wanna do it slap them in my head and yell at them to SHUT THE F*** UP!

And the whole Casey Anthony story.. ugh don't even get me started on that bitch! Poor little sweet sweet Caylee. I hope Casey never ever ever gets pregnant again. People like that should NOT be allowed to become mothers. How come SHE can bear children yet so many GOOD PEOPLE are going through struggles to even have one?!?! But then again.. I'm pretty sure she's the first one to get knocked up real fast cuz thats just how unfair life could be sometimes. Easy for some, hard for others. Ugh!!

Humor: Infertility is nothing to laugh about.. but I did find myself let out a laugh yesterday in the shower. What… again.. a negative? You have got to be kidding me right?? <insert laugh here > how is it possible that we have such bad luck?? Come out, come out candid camera. Okaaayyy you got us. We wanna laugh in front of America now.

waiting.. waiting.. no cameras? Ugh.. fine.

Last but certainly not least… I feel…

Grateful: I am beyond grateful to have a man who loves me unconditionally and is the first one to hug me in these hard times and the last one to hug me in these hard times. He is the only other person that truly knows how I feel and what it’s like to experience this. He wipes away my tears and helps me realize that LIFE DOES GO ON. I am grateful to have a wonderful medical team. I left them a message to ask what our next step would be. Haven’t heard back from them but I know they will be getting back to me soon and providing me with such professional answers. I’m sure I’m not the ONLY unsuccessful IUI they’ve had. So I have to trust them. Speaking of medical services, I am grateful that I have infertility insurance! My insurance gives us a certain amount for infertility and this helps out a lot. I am grateful that although I am hurting deep inside and letting out tears every chance I get, I am aware that I am becoming stronger by the minute. It may take a few days for things to sink in and stuff but I know that I will not give up. I can’t & I won’t.

For now.. I can’t promise that I won’t shed a tear or two in the next few days but I will be ready for the next cycle, wait for HER to come & get the hell out of here and go for another IUI. I will take my husband’s hand and walk into that Dr’s office this month and hope that July is a little sweeter than June.

** Thinking of you all and sending good vibes to those who are waiting and huuuuge hugs to those who are having bad days as I am. We must not give up. Cuz like the sayin’ goes.. SHIT HAPPENS! This is yet another pile of shit that we have come across our lives. Don’t just leave it there. Find the biggest pooper scooper ever, clean it off your life path and start off fresh. Ok maybe not the best comparison I could've come up with but seriously, after going through these 2 crazy weeks and getting that negative.. totally felt like shit to me last night.

xoxo

I can do this...

2011-07-05T10:43:00.001-05:00

Hello friends! How was everyone’s weekend?? My weekend was busy busy busy to say the least. As mentioned in my previous post, I had family come in from Mexico and it was really good to see them! Things aren’t all that great in Mexico as far as safety goes so it makes it hard to visit them how we used to. So any chance they can come up here to visit, it’s always a good one! There was plenty of food and catching up to do with the family.

The rest of the weekend my DH has been working on the driveway of our house to put in new pavement. Before only 2 cars could park in our driveway and the rest would have to park on the side or on the grass. Pretty classy huh? lol. There wasn’t much room! Anyway, so we decided to expand it and make it into a 4 car driveway. You know for when I get my AUDI.. oh yeahhh!! Ok ok one thing at a time Diana! Hehe. My lovie has been working hard on it and he spent the whole day Saturday outside. Here are a few pics of the starting point. It’s going to look amazing at the end and then with landscape around my house. I am soooo excited! Home is such a wonderful place to be isn’t it?? =)

Then 4^th of July came and it was really a great day. My family had left in the morning so my lovie and I spent the day together. We decided to indulge in seafood and then park the truck along the water and enjoy the nice breeze while waiting for the firework show to start. I thought it was going to be hot (courtesy of Texas weather) but it was surprisingly nice and breezy. It was amazing. We really enjoyed each others company and the sunset was beautiful. I don’t want to sound cheesy but there were times when I looked at my husband in the sunlight and I fell in love with him all over again. I got butterflies in my stomach and it felt like I was on our first date. I feel so comfortable with him and he makes me feel like I am the only one in the room with him. We make each other smile and bring out the goofiness in each other. It’s such an incredible feeling. I thanked God beneath my breath for giving me this amazing man. Just typing this brings tears to my eyes because I am THAT happy with him and just the thought of what we’ve been through together, makes me understand and love this marriage more and more each day.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So here we are… back to work. And 2 days left for my 2ww to be over. (Am I going to hear a BUZZER go off when the time is up??? lol) If I say that I am cool and collected, I would totally be lying! Lol. Yes I was busy this weekend but I couldn’t help and think about IF there is something forming inside of me. We want this so bad that it hurts me to think if this time isn’t it. My DH has told me time and time again that if this isn’t the right time, then we’ll just try again. He is very supportive and reassures me that no matter what, we will just try again and take it from there. I have been googling early pregnancy symptoms and I have experienced all of them except for the nausea. All weekend long, I felt pregnant. I felt like something was happening. My DH would look at me and smile and just say “I love u TWO”. Which would bring plenty of smiles to my face. I played in my head how I would tell my family. It just felt too good to be true.

But today I woke up feeling “different”. I have literally felt cramps since I had my IUI. Not major ones but they have been there off and on. And today, is the first time that I feel them consistently throughout the day. The same feeling I get when SHE arrives. ugh. So right now, I feel kind of bummed. I want to cry. I am supposed to start on the 9^th. If I wanted to, I would get a pregnancy test but I am so nervous. I don’t want to be let down. But either way, I’m going to find out one way or another. I don’t want to be angry with God but at the same time, I don’t want to keep questioning him. Why us?? --- ugh and why do pregnancy symptoms and menstrual symptoms feel so much alike?!? So for now, I will wait just 2 more days and take a test and hope for that magical BFP. If not, it’s like my husband says .. “We’ll try again.” As long as I have him by my side.. I'm stronger than ever.

Keeping my fingers & toes crossed.
Hugs to all of you!

Big congrats to Mrs V @ My Little Life for getting her BFP. =)

Versatile Award & Overlord Award =)

2011-06-30T21:02:00.002-05:00

So It's been about a month that I was awarded the Versatile Blogger award and today I was awarded the Overlord Award. I am the first to admit that I completely overlooked the Versatile Blog award and never really acknowledged the people that sent it to me. Please forgive me!! So this post I will do both awards on one post. Am I a genius or what??? =)

So the first one: This was given to me by Hopeful1 and ♥C check out these wonderful ladies!! And They would like me to list 7 random things about me. Hmmmmm....

7 things about myself: (just 7 ?? hehe.. jk)

1. I am afraid of air bags! I know.. I know... they're for safety and we NEED them. But I am literally afraid of them going off on me while I'm driving for like no reason. I don;t know what holds them in there but what if I break too hard and something goes loose and they explodse right in my face?!?! aaahhhh!! It's insane how nervous I get if I even think about these darn things. <pause> next random fact please...

2. I don't like clowns or anything pertaining to a circus. Not that they scare me or I had a bad experience with one but I just don't care for them. So yea.. my child will NEVER have a circus theme party. hehe.. ok ok.. maaaaaaaybe I can make an exception. =)

3. I was never in sports in school. Nor do I play sports now. I am the worse sports player in the world. If you want to lose... pick me for your team. Ironically though.. i LOVE watching sports. Wierd huh? But yea.. me and balls don't go together. Ha! Let me rephrase that... I shall never play sports. :/

4. My dream house is to have a one story house that is huuuuuge and wide. I don't like 2 stories.. i like to see them but to me, I would like a biiiiiiig wide house with a nice backyard and rocking chairs. Ahhhh.. one day I will have my dream home.

5. Having said that.. my husband is by far the best carpenter I know. That's what he does for a living so he is a master carpenter. So yea.. you know I keep him busy with house projects. Just wait til we get our dream home hunny.. <insert evil laugh here>

6. those commercials regarding the animal cruelty make me cringe and I get so sad for those poor animals!! How could people be so cruel to our furry friends?!?! ugh..

7. Out of my grandparents: 3 of them have gone to heaven and I just have my 1 grandma here. (she's my mom's mom) And let me just say.. she is the most sweetest, most warmest woman you will ever meet. I love her soooooo much!!!! She only had my mom so you can just imagine how much she cares for us!! We are her world.

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The next award was given to me by: Carlia , she is awesome as well!!!

Basically I am Queen of Everything!! Carlia gave me authority to make up 3 magical rules!Any rules that I want. bwahahaha.. where's my wand??? So my fellow bloggers... here are 3 new rules that must be followed effective immediately.. (if only it were that easy huh? )

rule #1: How about the idea of a FREE “pay NO bills this month” PASS per household?? So I would like for us to just present our FREE PASS to these awful companies anytime ONCE A YEAR and be like “baaaaaammm!! I'm NOT paying my bills this month.. I wanna use this bad boy and go on a shopping spree baby!!! And.. you..can’t ..stop.. me!”

rule #2: Alcohol will NOT affect pregnancy. Hey.. I am the first to admit that I like to enjoy some mixed drinks and drink beer. So what IF alcohol would NOT affect your pregnancy and you can have your drinks too?!?! How awesome would that be?? Drinking and with a baby bump!! lol.. ok I just got an image in my head and it was just wrong! hey but it's my rule! I need alcohol sometimes!!! =)

rule #3: We will no longer have to cook, clean or do laundry!! Every household will have a designated maid come to their house whenever they want!!!! so just kick up your feet onto your comfy couch ladies and let the maid take care of it... ahhhhhhhhh..

So there you have it.. my 3 magical rules!! In our magical land! =)

So now I am to choose 7 blog friends so that they may do the same. Feel free to grab both awards or just do one of them. I can't wait to read yall's rules!! =)

Have fun with this ladies!

Maria @ Everyday Is A Country Song

♥C @ Loving My Baby Bump

Mrs. E @ TTC baby E

Cyndi @ Then Comes Baby in the Baby Carriage

Rachel @ Praying for a little Miracle

Mommy In Waiting @ Waiting on Our Miracle

E & R @ Dreaming of Babies